


We Are Beautiful We Are Doomed

by PuffyNook



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bullying, Childhood Trauma, Christian Character, Christianity, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dubious Consent, Dysfunctional Family, Eventual Smut, False Accusations, Homophobia, Kankri is a wavering christian, M/M, Mental Illness, Multiple Personalities, POV Multiple, Past meulin/kurloz, Planned Suicide, Satanism, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Theistic satanism, ancestors are parents, cant wait, kurkri, no actual rape though, past cronus/kankri, rape accusations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 19:30:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 43,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8114710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuffyNook/pseuds/PuffyNook
Summary: Your relationship with Cronus was over. Your relationship with your father was a mess. Even your relationship with God was somewhat distant. Things couldn't be any worse for you, your life was going downhill. But then you meet Kurloz, the boyfriend of your best friend's friend. Didn't know him quite well actually. So you couldn't help but wonder why he showed up that night at the park, it was freezing that Christmas night.  You were having a terrible night, but Kurloz had a terrible life. You soon realize life was too precious to just let someone throw it all away.You didn't know what you were getting yourself into, but you know it will be somewhat worth it...(Taking a little break as of chapter 9!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooo first lets just say I'm a huge kurkri fanboy and haven't seen enough fics out there for these two, so here I've made this. I have everything planned out and I'm so excited to write this!  
> Also I will be writing in different POVs, it's my only way of conveying each character's feelings in each event. Feedback would be appreciated, I'd like to know if the changing POVs are distracting or not, thank you!  
> Title based on the song by Los Campesinos.

"Would you kindly let me go Cronus? It's about time I get ready for dinner with my family." You say, standing up from Cronus' lap, but his hand stayed on your arm, not letting you stray from him that quickly.

"C'mon baby, I don't see why you'd rather spend time with your folks than with me. It'd be our first Christmas Eve together, you had your time with your folks a bunch of eves before, just stay with me today, baby." Cronus begs, his bottom lip sticks out in a pout. You chuckle and bend over to kiss his forehead, he takes the opportunity to grab onto you and pull you back onto his lap, burying his face into the crook of your neck.

"Cronus! Don't act up now, you're so clingy." You laugh, hugging him back.

"I want you to stay with meee..." He mumbles.

"I have no idea why you wouldn't visit your family on Christmas Eve, besides this is important." You tell him, hand running through his slicked back black hair. Cronus distracts you by kissing your neck and you gasp. He knew you were sensitive there, he was using it to his advantage. You stifle a moan as he nibbles on the skin there. Before you lost yourself to his touch, you quickly pulled away, frowning at him.

"I've told you about that, I can't believe you would completely disregard my past explanation of how triggering that is to me! You need to respect my boundaries, you know about my vow to God yet you continuously try to break it!" You climbed out of his lap and looked at him with a frown, crossing your arms against your chest clad in one of Cronus' oversized white t-shirts.

You saw the irritation in Cronus' face. "Well, chief, sorry I can't help myself when the way you're dressed triggers me." He brought up that word against you like he does so often, and you completely change your mind.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize..." You uncrossed your arms and sighed. "I have to go change anyway. I'm going to be late for dinner." You said, turning around, pulling the end of the shirt over you rear which was immodestly only covered with boxers. No wonder you triggered Cronus, you'll think next time about his feelings and triggers. You walk down the short hall into you and Cronus' room. It is Cronus' apartment after all. The walls of the room are a violet color, the open window was the only source of light in the dark room. It is around 9PM and the moon shown brightly in the cold, dark sky.

You flip the light switch and walk over to the closet. You try not to step on the garments sprawled across the bedroom. It really is a nuisance that both you and Cronus are pretty messy. At least you went on a cleaning spree every month or else the apartment would look like that of a hoarder's.

In the closet you look through your options. You have many sweaters and dress shirts and you settled on a black dress shirt with a red sweater vest over it and some black pants. You looked formal enough for a decent dinner with your family. You look at yourself in the mirror and approve of your outfit and exited the room, walking to the door, putting your shoes on. You looked back at the couch where Cronus was sprawled out, watching tv, with a grumpy look on his face.

"I'll be back soon, call me if you need anything." You said, receiving a grunt from him. You pulled on your black coat gifted to you by Porrim. It was an early Christmas gift due to her spending her Christmas in France.

The drive to your Father's house isn't that long, but felt like forever to you. You are fidgety and anxious behind the wheel. You can't believe you are really doing this. Today is the day, the day you come out to your father. You know he loves you dearly so you can't imagine he will disown you based on your sexuality. He is a preacher and you are a loyal Christian, but family is family. You did have times of guilt, occasionally you found yourself praying before bed, asking for forgiveness. But other times you couldn't imagine God ever hating you and you got along with life peacefully.

You drive up to the old cabin-like house. It's on the outskirts of town. It's not secluded though, there were plenty of neighbors but your family house was definitely the smallest.

You exit your car and are greeted by a cool breeze as you walk up the steps to the house and knock on the door.

A moment passes until your brother answers the door. His face is contorted in a permanent frown. You see he is wearing an ugly reindeer Christmas sweater and you have to stifle a laugh. He gave you a look and let you inside.

"Kankri! Hello!" Your father walks over to you and wraps his arms around you in a warm embrace. You hug him back but were only reminded about what you came here to say.

"Hey, Dad." You smile bashfully and he pats you on the back. "Dinner is almost ready. Made your favorite mashed potatoes. Oh, and some steamed crab for you Karkat!" He gave your brother a pat on the back and Karkat grumbled a thank you, crossing his arms.

"Ah- um.. Karkat, let's go talk while dinner finishes." You say, leading Karkat to the living room.

"What the fuck do you want, fuck face?" Karkat asks, he didn't mean any harm it was just in his nature to be so aggressive. It's nothing you're not used to.

You fidget with your fingers, not wanting to look at Karkat, you're embarrassed to say the least.

"Um.." You just can't get the words out as you stare at your fingers like your life depended on it.  
"Come out and say it already." Karkat demands, you know he is concerned despite his grumpy expression.

"Uh... You see.. Uhm..." You wonder how to go about saying this. You wouldn't go into specifics with your dad like you're doing now with Karkat, because without a doubt you know your brother wouldn't disown you. He is an atheist after all, albeit a closet atheist, but an atheist none the less. You think about how to say this so Karkat would understand.

"Um, about your friend Eridan-"  
"He's not my friend."  
"But uhm.. You know him of course?" He was in Karkat's friend group after all.  
"Yeah, he's dating my friend. Used to hang out with him a lot actually." Karkat said, he looked a bit reminiscent.  
"Well, haha.. Eridan's got an older brother, and you see..-"  
"Oh tell me about it. That asshole would flirt with everyone of us, douchebag doesn't have a filter." Karkat ranted, he kept cutting you off, he had a lot to say.  
"Hey, don't talk about him like that!" You snapped at him much to his surprise.

"What's up with you? What do you have to say about Cronus anyway? What the hell does that asshole have to do with-"

"Me and Cronus are dating! We've been dating for six months!" You blurted it out, cutting him off this time. You expect him to have another quick remark but he just stares at you with a mix of confusion and shock.

It was quiet. You both just look at each other.

"You're gay?!" Karkat blurted out and you put your hand over his mouth.  
"Shut up! I haven't told dad yet!"  
"But you're fucking gay!" His words were obscured by your hand.  
"Yes! Yes I am!" You whisper to him impatiently. "I don't know why that's such a surprise to you!"  
Karkat pulled your hand away from his mouth. "How the fuck are you gay? You and Porrim are fucking dating!" He whispers aggressively to you and you grimace.

"No, not at all, Karkat. Me and Porrim have been best friends for as long as I can remember and we both have no romantic feelings whatsoever." You got this straight to Karkat. It was crazy to think about dating Porrim, It is so unnatural, not only because she is female, but just the fact that you two are best friends.

Karkat sighs. "I just never thought of you being gay. You're just so religious, like Dad." Karkat spoke the truth, you are religious, maybe even more so than your father.

"Dinner is served, boys." Your father called from the kitchen. Karkat looked at you. "You gonna tell dad?" He asked, genuinely concerned. You nodded confidently, the two of you walking to the kitchen. Once the three of you take your seats, you join your hands to pray. You all gave your thanks, "Amen" you all say, and began eating. You didn't look too interested in your food, unlike Karkat and your father who dug right in.

Some while had passed and your plate was only half full while your brother and father had about two plates each.

"Kankri, you've barely eaten anything." Your father says in concern causing you to gulp and your hands almost shake due to your anxiety. Now you had to spill it out.

"I've got to tell you something, dad." You look down at your food, not able to meet his gaze. Karkat is now looking at you, knowing what is to come.

"What is it?" Your father asks, he and Karkat had finished eating.  
"I've uhh.. Been this way for a long time, and trust me, I hate it, but I-I just can't help it." You started, your eyes began tearing up. Your dad looked at you concerned. "You're what?" Your father sounds so confused and it just made you feel worse, he has no idea, just like Karkat didn't at first.  
"I'm um.. I don't like women, I like men.. I'm just.. I'm gay." You were a mess with trying to get to the point. You finally look up at your father who looks shocked.  
"I'm sorry..." You say and the tears begin.  
"No, it's okay, Kankri..." Your father says as he sees you crying, but you know he is upset.  
"I love you, Kan, I just... I'm really disappointed in you." He had a frown on his face, and you just sobbed at your father's words.  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." You sob into your hands not seeing how distraught your father looked. He stood up, the scrape of the chair against the floor and your sobbing was the only thing to be heard.  
"I'm disappointed Kankri.. I'm very disappointed. I love you, son, but I need to go for a moment." Karkat watches your father walk away from the dinning table and down the hall to his bedroom.

You know he meant to reassure you by saying he loved you, but the worst thing any son could hear from their father is that they were disappointed in you. You continued sobbing into your arms and Karkat rubs your back. You know he was terrible at comforting people and it meant a lot that he was there for you right now.  
"It's gonna be okay, Kan. You know he loves you, he'll come around, you're his son after all. You know how much he loves us." Karkat's words would've really gotten to you but the pain of what your father said to you was engraved into your mind.

You stand up, wiping your eyes with your sleeve. "I-I need to leave..." You sniffle, walking to the door. Karkat's followed you out and squeezed your shoulder. "Call me if you need me, 'Kay?" You two met gazes and you nodded, rubbing your eyes once more and climbed into your car.

With your childhood home slowly drifting behind you, you had to stop more tears from falling down or else your vision would blur the road in front of you. The ride home was cold, dark, and lonely. You wanted nothing more than to have Cronus hold you and tell you how good you were, wanted him to show you how much you mattered. Wanted him to accept everything about you without hesitation. Just the thought of going home to finally be in his arms is enough to ease the heaviness in your chest. You would ask God to please stop this pain in your heart, but with that thought, you were upset. You didn't want to talk to God right now, not after what had happened. It was because of God that your father was so disappointed in you. You were mad at God.

As you finally arrive to your apartment, you open the door and see Cronus hasn't moved from the couch. Before you get any further, you discarded your jacket and shoes on the floor. You walk up to him, kneeling beside him. He's asleep with the tv still on, no doubt he's been like this since you left a couple hours ago. You hesitate before trying to gently shake him awake.

"Cronus? Wake up. I want to talk to you." You pat him on the shoulder and he groans, shifting on the couch. He raises his head, blinking the sleep from his eyes and looked at you .

"What is it, chief..?" He rubs his eyes, looking down at your small frame kneeling beside the couch.  
Words can't escape your mouth, you wanted to tell him somethings but you didn't want to bring that problem to your relationship with Cronus. Instead of speaking, you just wrap your arms around his neck, nuzzling your face to his neck. He hugs you back and you hear him chuckle, feeling his chest vibrate. His neck is so warm and you love it. You cherish how this feels, focusing on this rather than the sadness in your chest.

He lowers his hands to your waist, pulling you up to sit on his lap. You're glad you had a rather large couch so you both could be in this position. You look up at him, his hands on your waist, rubbing circles into your hips. He turns his head to kiss your temple as you laid on him, straddling his hips and hugging him close to you.  
"You said I was clingy, but look at you now." He whispers into your ear and you smile. He continues to kiss you all over, your temple, your lips. He strays lower, to your neck and you can't help the way you lift your head giving him easier access to your neck.

Why was he doing this? You told him many times before how triggering this is for you. You aren't comfortable with what kissing your sensitive spot could lead to. He knew it aroused you which was what triggered you in the first place, you want to stay pure in the eyes of God and not do anything before getting married- which you admit wouldn't happen for a long time. And deep down you know Cronus couldn't wait that long.  
You know Cronus couldn't wait that long, which is why you don't protest when he begins to nibble on your neck, sucking on the flesh which would no doubt leave marks later. You don't stop the moan from escaping your lips, and you don't feel ashamed by the feeling of the bulge in Cronus' jeans against you.  
He continues to lick your neck- your most sensitive spot. You moan even louder when he bit harder into the crook of your neck. The feeling causing you to clench your hands into the fabric of his t-shirt. Hearing your moans, Cronus' hands on your hips hold you as he rubbed against you and you gasped. This was such a new feeling to you and it was a lot to take in, you felt hot everywhere, in places you never thought could feel this way.  
"Cronus.." You moan his name as he continues grinding against you. He lifts his hands from your hips, to the hem of your shirt and tugs on it, suggesting you to take it off. You want to take it off, you want to go further with this, but now you feel self conscious.  
"I-I don't know about this..." You mumble, moving your face from his, sitting up. Your position only turns Cronus on more, your weight shifted so that you were sitting directly on his clothed erection.

"What? What aren't you sure about?" Cronus looks up at you, hands on your hips. He looks impatient now.

"I'm just.. I'm unsure about this.." You feel shy now, the realization of your situation only makes you more insecure.  
"Unsure about what? C'mon Kan, you're sitting on my boner for fucks sake, what're you unsure about?" He is flustered and impatient, you know he wants to go further so desperately.

"I know that!" You cringe at how straightforward he is.  
"Then why're you stopping? You can't leave me hangin' like this, baby I need this." He sits up, hugging you close to him. You are at a loss for words, but hug him back, he is right, you don't really want to leave him hanging.

As expected, he begins kissing your neck once more, grinding his hips up against you. He is more aggressive this time, and you gasp at how hard he is against you, you are out of your heated haze and are aware once more.  
"Cronus, stop, I'm sorry, but I'm not ready right now." You push him away from your neck and he gives you a look.

"Are you serious?" He genuinely looks done with you, done with this situation. Give him the word and he'll gladly leave rather than staying and getting his hopes up.  
You want to speak, but you were really sorry. You nod in response.  
"For fucks sake." He grumbles, pushing you off of him and onto the side of the couch as he got up and heads towards your shared bedroom.

You sit there frozen on the couch, watching his retreating form. You really regret getting him that riled up all for nothing. You cursed at yourself for being so selfish and stupid. But you know what you wanted, you want him and he wants you. You are going to give him what he wants and you're going to break this damn vow to a God that's wronged you.

You went to sleep on that couch knowing what you were giving Cronus for Christmas tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

You woke up cold. You slept on the couch last night, without a blanket none the less. It would've been somewhat romantic if he had laid a blanket on you at some point that night, but you know you kind of deserved it.

Sitting up on the couch, you stretched your arms and and back, cringing at the realization you fell asleep in a dress shirt and pants. Standing up, you made your way to your bedroom, expecting to see Cronus' sleeping form. But when you opened the door, you didn't see him in bed. You turned around to see that the bathroom door was open, so he wasn't in there... You smiled, he probably went out to buy flowers, or more presents than the ones that were under the tree, or some sweets. There were so many possibilities, you could only hope for the best as you hummed to yourself, grabbing a towel on your way to the bathroom.

Your shower was a little longer than usual. For today, you had to be sure to not leave a single spot on your body untouched by soap. You still had in mind what your gift to Cronus was going to be, and you exited the shower with the towel around you. You peaked around the corner of the hallway into the living room. Cronus wasn't home yet. Well you couldn't really complain, it was 10AM. There was still plenty of time to receive and give gifts later on today. You much preferred to spend most of your Christmas celebrating in the evening.

As you got changed in your bedroom, into one of the lovely sweaters Porrim knitted for you, you checked your phone to see if Cronus had left a message during your time in the shower- which was quite a long time.  
You smiled seeing messages from Porrim, Kanaya, Karkat, and Aranea wishing you a merry Christmas. You gladly replied to each one, taking your time in showing your gratitude to each friend. That left a smile on your face, now you truly felt festive. Today was Christmas.

You scrolled through your phone once more after replying to your friends to check if Cronus left you a message. He hadn't messages you at all it turns out. You found it kind of strange that he hadn't even messages you saying he'd be gone for a while, but he was probably trying to surprise you with something. That something kept you smiling and thinking about what it is he could've gotten you. The more you thought about it, the more you thought about your biggest gift to Cronus today. You gulped at the thought, you were definitely ready for tonight- mentally, that is. But physically? Not so much actually. You had to make this special, you wanted to look different. This was your first sexual endeavor and you had to make it perfect for both you and Cronus.

You decided you'd better go to the mall and see what it is you could wear tonight... You had no idea what would suit you best or what the hell lingerie would look like. You were truly a prude. Well, not tonight you weren't.

You entered the mall having in mind a store you could go to for some good attire for tonight. Porrim was the one who informed you about this store, she said her friend worked there and was an expert in these kinds of things.

The mall was definitely busy, why would people be shopping on Christmas? Black Friday was a few weeks ago, they had their chance then. Well, you shouldn't complain, you were also planning a last minute gift on Christmas Day as well.

You arrived to the store was after being told which other stores it was close to, it had a very small opening, and it was quite dark too. But it was brightened up with red lights. You looked around and suddenly felt extremely out of place. You felt uncomfortable seeing the female models posed in skimpy lingerie and pasties in posters around the store. Thankfully the few girls that were browsing were too intent on choosing the right article of clothing than of you- the only male in the store. You also for once thanked the fact that if you hid your face well enough under your turtleneck, you could be mistaken for a girl. You were pretty short after all, definitely shorter than any other males you'd see on campus at your college.

Your phone in your pocket vibrated and you saw a text from Porrim, 'Her name is Damara, she's short, scary looking, and Asian. She is your go-to gal for this sort of thing. Good luck Kanny.'

You replied a thanks to Porrim then gazed around the sales floor. You saw a woman talking to who you assumed to be another employee. She must be Damara, she fit Porrim's description. With false confidence, you approached the woman. When she looked at you, you knew she was examining every inch of you. If it was because of her knowledge in fashion or if she was just downright judgmental, you didn't know.

"Hello, ehm..." You wondered about how you would go on about this.  
"Hm?" She crossed her arms, urging you to get out your question. She didn't seem like the kind of woman you'd want to waste her time.  
"I um.. Need something to wear tonight, but I know nothing of this type of clothing. Could you please assist me with finding something appropriate for arousal? Something um... Sexy." You hated that word but it was of course as descriptive as you could be when describing what you were going for.

Damara nodded in understanding. She seemed fairly nice, albeit quite. She walked to a section of the store and you followed. She looked deep in thought, searching for something. Obviously she was trying to piece together something especially for you, you could tell that much as she disregarded any lingerie that hung on racks around the store. She picked up something sheer, the appeared to be stockings, and in her other hand she had something else in the same shade of red. You knew what the stallings were but the other article of clothing, you had no idea. It did have little straps hanging from the sides.

She walked to another part of the store, gave you another inspection and pulled out some underwear- panties you assumed. You felt unsure at the thought of wearing those for the first time ever, but it was all for Cronus so it would be worth it in the end, you would look as sexy as those women on the posters scattered across the walls of the store.

The final thing she picked up from one of the racks was- what you assumed to be a top. It looked too revealing to, why wasn't the upper half covered? It was fully uncovered where the chest would be. If a woman were to wear this her breast would be directly on display with her lower half covered in tight shear flower meshed waist hugging part of the top. Was this supposed to look sexy on you?

"Perfect." Damara spoke for the first time since meeting you, and you could tell she had an accent. You followed her up to the register.

"Are you sure these will fit me?" You asked her as she was pushing buttons on the register.

"Of course." She said, somewhat dismissing you.

"This, you put on here." She said, laying out the stockings and the thing with little straps on top of it. She pointed to the straps and demonstrated by clipping them to the edge of the stocking.

"This, you wear here." She pointed at the strapped thing and suggested towards her hips.  
"On top of underwear." She said and turned around to the poster behind her and pointed at the model's waist. Now you had a visual of what it should look like, and you understood now. You didn't know what that strapped thing was called, but you now understood it was to go on your hips and hold up the stockings.

You nodded in understanding and she continued scanning the items.  
"Seventy nine." She stated, putting the items into the bag. You could tell her English was limited.  
You opened up your wallet and took out a hundred dollar bill. You were expecting to spend a lot on something like this, but you knew it had to be expensive for such an important night. Damara handed you the change and the bag.  
"Thank you for your help." You gave her a friendly smile and she nodded, looking you over once more. Damn was she intimidating.

Back home now, you opened the door to your apartment slowly, expecting to see Cronus there. You walked in fully, he wasn't in the living room. You checked the bedroom and he wasn't in there either. You huffed as you sat down on your bed. It was 1 o'clock now and he still hasn't messaged you. Whatever he was doing must've been really important. You wanted to text him, but stopped yourself. You didn't want to seem desperate, you most of all didn't want to distract him or cause him to stop what he's doing just because you want to know where he is. If it's a surprise he's trying to do, then you won't ask any questions, you wanted to be surprised.

It was almost dinner and you hurried to the kitchen, opening up a recipe you'd gone over about a million times in your head to assure you'd make it absolutely perfect for tonight. It just took a few hours to fully cook, and you were worried you could easily screw up. You weren't exactly an expert in cooking either, that was usually Cronus' job.

Everything was prepared and cooking. You took the cookies out of the oven, putting a chicken in it's place to cook. You look over the sugar cookies you made and grinned. They looked descent for once. You had to test them out but as soon as you lifted one up, you saw the black bottom. Damn, you burned them! You always do this, you can't even make cookies for fucks sake, you truly were a mess. You looked at the clock, it was 3 o'clock now. Time really went by fast with you trying to perfect the meal for tonight- that is if Cronus even shows up. You laughed inwardly at that thought, you knew he wouldn't miss this.

You bit into the cookie you picked up, and flinched. It was hard as a rock. You were a nervous wreck, searching for something you could use to soften them up. In the fridge you found some whipped cream and you quickly squirted a hell lot of it atop the cookies. They would no doubt suck all of that up. Perfect, the cookies were fixed now, you can hope that the other batch would be better. Wait wait, they were still in the oven on one of the racks weren't they? Oh god.

You quickly open the oven and grabbed the tray with one oven mit on, trying to get them out as fast as possible, the oven wafted out the smells of a burnt mixture of cookies and chicken. Chicken cookies? Cookie smelling chicken? You tried holding onto the tray with that one oven mit but it wavered to the side and you had to level the tray with your other hand, effectively burning your hand and it was just such a bad idea. You instinctively flinched and in the process dropped the tray onto the floor. You held your burnt hand, blowing on it to ease the pain.

Looking down, you saw it was just a black crumby mess of the burnt cookies you couldn't save. With a sigh, you picked up the bigger pieces to throw into the garbage, and sweeping up the remains.

Thirty minutes later and you were pacing. You were worried that you would burn your last hope of a decent Christmas dinner and couldn't part from it.

You looked at the time on your phone and saw how late it was getting- you also noticed you had no messages. You let out a stressed sigh, crossing your arms trying to seek comfort in the warmth of your sweater. The heat of the oven was the only thing warming you up. The rest of the house was almost freezing to you. You walked into the living room and looked out the window. It was snowing for sure. It was a white Christmas for once in a long time, and you sighed, leaning against the window frame, staring at the area where Cronus' car should be.

You might as well make yourself useful and put on your lingerie, Cronus wouldn't be any later, he was definitely coming home soon, and you were ready to surprise him.

You put on the stockings and panties, and held the belt-like thing in your hands. Damara said it would rest on your hips, above the red and white laced panties she picked out for you. You remember the image of the woman on the poster and put the belt thing over your hips, snapping the straps to your stockings, effectively holding them from sagging down your thighs. The flower laced top was somewhat like a corset, but without the constricting. The top part of where the bra would be was covered in frills, accentuating your pecs, your nipples specifically.

You inspected yourself in the mirror and seriously critiqued yourself. You fixed your lopsided stockings and pulled the corset-like top tighter by the strings on your back. You looked as proper as you could be in such sexy clothing. You actually admired how well you looked in them. You looked into your closet, for one of Cronus' shirts. You knew how he felt when you wore his clothes, you knew how it triggered him at the sight of you in his clothes. And for once you would relish in that attention.

You settled on wearing one of Cronus' white shirts and his favorite leather jacket- which was extremely big on you. You were a mere 5 feet while he was a staggering 6 feet. That left quite a difference in size in many ways, including clothing. His t-shirt came down to your mid-thighs and his jacket was big even on him, you knew he liked how it made him look bigger, but on you it didn't make you look bigger. It was almost like a leather blanket covering your body. You looked at yourself in the mirror. You had to admit with the jacket on and your sexy legs showing, you resembled one of those playboy bunnies with exaggerated fur coats that would droop around their shoulders. You felt confident in the fact that you could actually compare yourself to a sexy playboy model. You knew Cronus would appreciate it if you did too.

You checked yourself out in different poses in front of the mirror, grinning at how perfect you felt. Screw your celibacy, who knew just dressing this way would make you feel so good? After what happened on Christmas Eve, you didn't want to even think about your religion. You're selfish, you're focusing on you, your happiness came first, and you fussing over your religion is not on your agenda this Christmas. You wouldn't let God's poor image on you affect you just because you're gay. Yes you're gay, and you're not a pure child of god, you were going to have sex- gay sex none the less. Screw being a virgin, you felt too good looking so immodest like this.

Finally pulling your eyes off of yourself, you walked out and into the kitchen. You were Immediately pulled out of your arrogance by the all too familiar smell of something burning. God dammit. You quickly put oven mits on both of your hands this time, and pulling the burnt poultry out of the oven and quickly set it on the counter, the wave of smoke would surely trigger the fire alarm so you rushed over to the nearest windows, pulling them open and were greeted by a chilling breeze. You shivered as the cold wind grazed against your legs.

Turning back to the kitchen you looked down at the black chicken. You frowned. Just staring at it. Looks like the only thing you and Cronus would be eating tonight was a batch of burnt cookies. You focused your attention on the tray of cookies and your hope vanished. Smooth move, drenching them in whipped cream, now the cookies were a crumpled, soggy mess. You still saw the black burnt parts of the cookies scattered in the mesh of white and yellow. So that's a no to dinner. You held your head in your hands, you completely ruined your chance for dinner tonight.

You looked at the time on your phone. 5 o'clock. The sun would set around 6. Where the hell was Cronus? You were beginning to feel a little impatient. You finally decided you should call him. Pulling up his number, you put the phone to your ear, tapping your foot against the floor, agitated.

After the first ring you heard something coming from your bedroom. You lowered the phone from your ear. The noise didn't stop and you walked to the bedroom. This jerk really left his phone here? You drop your phone onto the floor, angrily pulling back the blankets on the unmade bed. As expected, Cronus' phone fell to the floor.

The call ended and you left both phones on the floor. Now you were angry. He wasn't preparing a surprise for you, if he was so spontaneous as to just leave without his phone, you were sure he didn't have you in mind.

'Hey, I'm going to be out for a long time, better bring my phone if my boyfriend calls.'

'Better leave a note somewhere for him to read.'

'Better wake him up before I leave and tell him where I'm going.'

That idiot really didn't think did he? Of all the things he could've done, he chose to leave you alone on Christmas Day without letting you know anything.

Frowning, you stomped out of the room and into the living room. It was actually freezing now due to the open windows. But the stench of burnt chicken still lingered and you didn't care if you froze to death right now, just leave the windows open. You didn't care.

You turned to look at the crappy fake Christmas tree you could barely afford, and saw a few gifts under it. You knelt and examined the wrapping paper on each square shaped present.

Two were from Aranea- to Kankri. One gift from Mituna- to Cronus. Three gifts from yourself- to Cronus. One gift from Meulin and Kurloz- to Kankri. Two gifts from Eridan- to Cronus. Also the two sweaters and jacket Porrim had given you before her voyage to France.

You double checked each box once more. Where was it? Where were the gifts from Cronus? You knew he was a terrible procrastinator, but really, on Christmas Day? You had a thought- if it took Cronus this long and there weren't any gifts for you yet, then he must've been working on it. Like, was it something he built? Did he have to wait until every last paycheck to afford this gift? Was it huge and required special transportation?

Even with all of these thoughts, you dismissed them. You were angry. You really were too good of a boyfriend. You felt almost as bad as you did on Christmas Eve- almost.

You needed to distract yourself, and grabbed the first gift you saw that was addressed to you. The wrapping paper on this one was a dark blue with little shooting stars on it. It was from Aranea. You tore the wrapping paper off, angrily. The small square happened to be a book. You opened the card that came with it.  
"This is one of the books I was talking about, by my favorite author. This one includes scientific fiction elements with a bit of horror, I think you'll like it. It's quite long and should be a good read for you. Merry Christmas!"

You examined the front of the book, and turned it over to read the summary on the back. You should have smiled at the gift, but couldn't find any joy yet. You were angry that your stupid boyfriend could ruin your mood like this.

The next gift from Aranea was another book, this one being by one of your favorite authors. Although you were angry, you appreciated how thoughtful she was.

The next gift- that one was your gift to Cronus. This one you discarded farther under the Christmas tree and reached for another one. This one had little skulls on it- was this Halloween wrapping paper? You shook your head, this one was from Meulin and Kurloz.

You tore off the non festive paper and opened the little box. Inside it were two necklaces. One had little beads spelling out your name, the other had Cronus' on it. You frowned, and read the card that came with it.

":3 Meowry Christmas Kankitty! I made these two necklaces for you and Cronus, you two are soooo purrfect! Definitely one of my OTP's. Oh! I made both of them by myself, Purrrloz did the wrapping paper. X3 he wanted his name on it, hehe  
~love Meulin-" below this was writing in script, also in a different colored pen,  
"And Kurloz"

Meulin was so thoughtful- and your anger subsided. Instead you looked at the two necklaces she made you. You noticed each one had a broken heart charm that when put together, made a full heart. You huffed, tossing both necklaces onto the floor along with the torn wrapping paper. You crossed your arms with a scowl, wallowing in your own anger. Seconds past and you looked back at the two necklaces on the floor beside you. You felt guilty, you completely discarded Meulin's gift for you out of your own fit of anger. That was so rude of you and you guilted yourself and picked up the necklaces meant for you, putting it on your neck. It hung to your collarbone and you exhaled. Now you just felt numb.

It was almost 7 o'clock now and your boyfriend is obviously not coming home for dinner- which was most likely cold by now. You stood up in front of the Christmas tree, and walked to your bedroom. You threw off Cronus' jacket and shirt, completely avoiding the mirror. You looked ridiculous. All dressed up for no reason.

You hastily unclipped the belt, and tore it off along with your stockings, and pulled off the corset top, leaving you in just the stupid panties. Quickly, you got rid of those too, putting on some boxer briefs.

You just found the first tights you saw, along with a sweater and some socks.

Now you walked back into the living room and sat down on the couch. The leather was cold against your legs.

And there you sat, looking down at your hands. The freezing room didn't faze you, as you just laid on your side. You fell asleep with nothing in mind.

What woke you up was the sound of the front door opening. You lifted your head and the lights were switched on, and you rubbed your eyes, trying to adjust to the light.

"Babe, what're you doin' out here in the living room? And why's it so cold?"

Cronus, just the man you didn't want to see. You were tired, but the anger quickly arose, giving you energy.

"Don't call me 'babe'." You snapped at him, sitting up from your laying position on the couch.

"Listen, listen, I can explain why I wasn't with ya today." He had somewhat of a slur and you knew he was drunk, or at little tipsy.

"I don't want to hear it. Do you know what time it is?!" You raised your voice at him, standing up and pointing at his chest.

"You left me on Christmas Day to get drunk somewhere? I don't want to hear where the hell you were, I wanted you here and you obviously didn't have me in mind when you left." You pushed his shoulders which didn't have any affect on the tall man. You stormed to the kitchen, the clock mounted on the wall said it was 11 o'clock.

"You left me here, for- I don't know, 11 hours? 14 hours?!" You yelled at him and he rubbed his temples.

"Yeah, and I regret coming back to hear you nagging me. Why don't you back off, I just walked through the fucking door!" Cronus yelled at you, and you glared at him. You both glared at each other for a few seconds and you felt tears begin to form. You quickly averted your gaze, walking past him, hastily putting on your boots.

"Where the hell are you going?" Cronus put his hand on your shoulder as to stop you from walking out the door but you pulled out of his grip and hurried out the door. You couldn't handle talking to him like this, with tears in your eyes. He doesn't deserve to even be with you right now, he should be alone and think about what he's done because right now he obviously didn't think he did anything wrong.

Once out of your apartment, you ran. You didn't know where you were going, but you needed to be away from this jerk. You ran as fast as the thick layer of snow on the ground would allow you to go. It slowed you down, but that didn't stop you. It was still snowing hard and you were still running. Your sweater being the only thing that kept you warm, though you weren't worried about that. You just needed to get as far from your apartment as possible.

You kept walking. Your apartment happened to be on the edge of town, but as far a you're walking you'd be heading to the busier side of town. You didn't care where the hell you were going, this part of town was far from home and that was fine to you.

You slowed down from sprinting and began to walk at a fast pace. Some 24 hour convenience stores were open, the streetlights brightened your path down the sidewalk. Occasionally a car would pass, you could only assume they were on their way from a party, from a romantic dinner date, driving to a friends house.

But here you were, walking down a cold sidewalk, alone on Christmas. That alone was depressing, without even knowing what happened, anyone could see that you were depressed.

The snow covered your red sweater and dark brown hair, the contrast was a sight to see. You began to feel the cold as your body heat subsided from running, and you began to shiver. But you still didn't care. You could die of hypothermia and you wouldn't care.

You walked and walked, the moon brightened up whatever wasn't within the streetlight's reach. The heavy snowfall no longer blurred your vision, the snow softened in front of you.

You looked and finally took in your surroundings. You recognize the name of the street to your left, it led to a little park you remember from when you and Karkat were younger. It even had a little lake which was even more appealing to you in your time of need. The familiarity of it should give you some comfort on such a bad night, you decided to walk down the road on your way to the park. It was probably 12AM by now, you wouldn't really know. You left your phone at home. Just like Cronus did to you. So you felt no remorse.

The houses with little to no light showing from their windows began to lessen as the road progressed. You came to the end of the road where you then continued to walk on snow covered grass. The gravel that covered the playground was slippery with a blanket of snow layered on it.

You looked around at where you would sit. The swings seemed okay, the seats were swaying from the cold gusts of wind. You sighed, walking over to the swing set, sitting down. Your hands gripped the chains which stung your hands from the freezing metal. You pulled your sleeves up so they covered your hand and then gripped the chains again. The thick material of your sleeves lessened the cold of the chains against your hands, but not so much the chill from the wind. At least it stopped snowing, the storm subsided while you were walking to the park. You didn't know if you were grateful or disappointed at that. Maybe you wanted to be buried in snow, it was better than being in the warm arms of someone who didn't care about you. Maybe you wanted to freeze to death. You might as well jump into the frozen lake in front of you.

You looked up from its previous gaze on the ground, looking at the lake, contemplating such a stupid idea of-

Suddenly you hear a thumping sound repeatedly coming from some person who was standing on the ice of the lake. They were pretty far from the shore, nothing about this was normal. First of all why was someone out at 12AM? Christmas was one hour ago. Not to mention it's 12AM in general, people should be asleep, and not on a frozen lake.

The thumping sound continued and you stood up from your seat, the chains rattling slightly as you released your grip on them.

You got as close as you could to the edge of the lake, cautious not to step on any ice. You saw the person had a thick purple jacket on, they were stomping on the ice below them, what the hell?

"Hey!" You called out to them, startling the person. They stopped what they were doing and looked at you. What you could make out was just a big mess of black hair. The person waved to you as a greeting.

"What on Earth do you think you're doing?!" You yelled at them, just seeing them that far on the frozen lake was enough to get your blood pumping.

The person in purple just looked at you. You crossed your arms, this guy is crazy, and you were about to blow a fuse. The anxiety causing your heart rate to quicken.

Now the person just sat down on the ice. They averted their gaze from you, looking down at the ice below them.

"Hey! Don't sit down! Don't- just get over here!" You scolded them, you were definitely triggered by now. You were slowly beginning to freak out.

Still the person in purple didn't look at you. They rested their head in their hands, looking down at the ice beneath them. You were genuinely worried at this point, you were in distress for this person- who seemed in distress themselves.

"Listen, come over here so we can talk." You lessened your tone, you were too demanding before. The last thing this person needed was you 'nagging' at them, as Cronus would put it.

The person looked at you once, and you suddenly felt sorry for the person. You wished they would answer you already. Instead, they got up from their sitting position and began walking towards you.

You tapped your foot on the ground, a habit you had whenever you were anxious. Your nerves were still on edge seeing them walk across the ice. You could see now the person was male- a really tall one at that. He got closer and closer and you stepped back, once he was on snow rather than ice, you grabbed his sleeve and dragged him with you away from the frozen lake. He didn't resist as you made your way over to the swing set, where you were comfortable enough to confront him, If he had the thought of going back to his previous position now you were in the reach to stop him..

You looked up at the tall man's face. He had a mess of gray and white paint on his face. Why did he have face paint on?.

He lifted up his hands, signing to you. You were suddenly embarrassed that you didn't know what he was trying to say.

"I'm sorry, I don't know sign language." You apologized to him, genuinely sorry. You felt kind of stupid for once.

The person nodded in understanding, reaching into the back pocket of his jeans, taking out a phone and began typing. The light from the device brightened up his face. The paint smeared his face, like a clown that just had a bucket of water poured on them.

Your looked away from his face and then to the phone that he turned so you could see. Your eyes adjusting to the light.

'Why did you want to talk to me?'  
You found it odd that he added a little ':o?' Face at the end of the sentence.

"I wanted to talk to you because that was crazy what you were doing. Trying to break the ice under you, do you have a death wish or something?!" You exclaimed, crossing you arms again, a habit of yours when you were heated.

He turned his phone back to himself, typing a quick something, then turning it so you could see. So he wasn't deaf if he was actually responding to what you said.

'Yes, I do'

You furrowed your brows and looked confused. You wanted to ask him what he meant, just to clarify. But you didn't, you suddenly felt embarrassed.

"Oh." You spoke, you didn't know how to respond to something like that. He was pretty straight forward, and got to the point. So he had a death wish, how the hell do you respond to something like that?

"Well, I'm sorry." You muttered. You should've thought before speaking, you should've known he was obviously not okay because he was trying to break the freaking ice. You hope you didn't trigger him with your insensitivity.

The tall man took a seat on one of the swings, where he was actually eye level with you now that he was sitting. You felt self conscious about your height for a second, but looked at him in concern when he slouched his shoulders and held his head in his hands. You felt really sorry for him.

It was quiet between you two for a moment until you finally thought of something to say.

"Um... Everything's going to be okay. I don't know why you're upset, but whatever is bothering you will pass, I'm sure." You tried comforting him, something you were quiet good at actually. You sat on the seat next to him and rubbed his back.

He covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath. You were concerned for him- he looked so pitiful right now.

You continued rubbing his back until he dropped his hands to his legs and turned to look at you.  
You wanted to smile at him reassuringly but it was hard, he looked so depressed. You only managed an awkward half grin, and he smiled back. You were guessing your awkward mess of a smile amused him. You felt a wave of success watching him smile.

He examined you and you wondered why, until he took off his big jacket and reached over to put it on your shoulders and you held it close to you.

"You uh- don't have to do that! You'll get cold now." He then gave you a look, his eyebrow raised. And you suddenly realized how cold you were, the contrast of the warm jacket around you and the freezing cold you felt before made you realize the difference. You were suddenly aware you had been trembling when you were talking to him. You hadn't noticed before because you were more focused on him. The jacket warmed you up and you felt sorry for taking it from him, pulling it closer to you.

He took his phone into his hand once more and began to type, then showed it to you.

'I dont get cold, so it's ok.'

"Yet you came out here with a jacket?" You asked him with a small smirk and he smiled back, typing once more.

'It isn't a necessity really.'

You chuckled and he laughed silently. You were glad you got him out of that gloomy mood. You realized your bad mood had subsided as well.

"I should have asked you this earlier but what is your name? I'm Kankri Vantas." You formally and finally introduced yourself. He typed into his phone and showed you.

'Kurloz.'

Your eyes brightened a bit with a form of surprise.

"Oh, Kurloz. You're dating one of my friends, I believe. Thank you for the Christmas gift by the way." You smiled at him once more and he looked a little less enthusiastic. He typed and then showed you.

'I only wrap the gifts, Meulin does everything else.'

You found that amusing, but then looked at his face. He wasn't smiling anymore and you wanted to make that frown go away.

"Sorry if I upset you." You wanted to say more, but you were distracted by the sound of a car pulling up to the park. Both you and Kurloz's attention were on the car.

"Hey! I've been looking all over for you, Chief!" It was Cronus. Just the man to dampen your mood. He walked up to the swing set and you glared at him.

Cronus looked at you, then Kurloz. He looked unimpressed. "We're going home Kanny." Cronus took your arm and pulled you off of the swing. It wasn't forceful but it was obvious he wanted you out of there.

"Hey, Cronus! You can't just expect me to go back home with you! I can't believe you have the nerve to drag me back there without my consent! But it's nothing new that you're not considering my feelings, that's something you really need to work on, I don't even want to be in a relationship with someone like that. You never think about me, or what I want!" You ranted on and on all the way back to Cronus' car, too frustrated, you kept on talking not even caring when Cronus dropped you into the back seat. You continued to scold him for treating you like some sort of object, and he got into the front seat. Cronus ignored your every last word and just started the engine. Kurloz watched as the car drove away.

Okay that was abrupt. Here sat Kurloz, staring at the retreating vehicle. That Kankri sure was something. Kurloz should've been annoyed that he was now left alone, but couldn't help but to feel passive. He began swinging back and forth on the swing set. At least a small weight was lifted from his shoulders after his little conversation. Looks like he'll save the death wish for some other time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a lot of fun writing this, I've never uploaded so fast. Hope you all like the story so far, today's chapter is in Kurloz's POV then later Kankri. Im sorry it took me a few days but I know I definitely make up for it in length.

You sat their on the swings, alone. You haven't moved for four hours. When you weren't fumbling with your phone, you were just sitting there, alone with your thoughts. Slowly and gradually, you became anxious. It was 5AM and the sun was beginning to rise. It was a sight to see on the horizon, behind the frozen lake. But you didn't care to look.

Maybe if you stayed a few more hours then maybe Meulin would come looking for you. She knew how you were, your rationale. Knowing all of that, it would be insensitive of her to have kicked you out then not come back for you.

Though, you scratched your head at the thought. You were being pretty selfish, you knew you weren't all that. Meulin didn't have to come looking for you. You weren't worth it. But despite all of your self loathing, you still thought about Meulin. You couldn't shake off your love for her.. Despite everything you've done, Meulin was still a sweetheart. She was still the love of your life. She was too nice to leave you here, should come looking for you later that morning.

And so you waited.  
And waited.

You didn't mind waiting a few more hours, but when it was a quarter to 8 and you heard the cars drive past the park, you thought you should start moving. You didn't want to scare any poor children that wanted the park to themselves. Your face paint was a mess you could see with the reflection of your phone screen.

You sighed and rubbed your face all over with your sleeve. The gray makeup contrasted with the black of your sleeve, but you didn't care. You just didn't want to look ridiculous in front of Meulin.

Standing up, you began walking. The snow beneath your purple boots crunching with every slow step. The sun was up and slowly melting the thick snow around you. Even without your thick jacket, your body wasn't shivering. You felt cold, but not so bad you would shiver. You were never effected by cold temperatures really, you never found yourself in such a state that your body would tremble from the cool temperature. It was a trait you appreciated.

Once out of the park you stopped, looking back and thought if Meulin really was looking for you. She knew you had a thing for bodies of water. The ocean was a few minutes away by the dock, there was a large pond people would ice skate on, then there was the one at the park which you chose because it was always vacant. No one would ice skate on that ice, you guessed it was because the ice was too thin and breakable. You proved that to be false last night, the ice wouldn't even crack no matter how hard you stomped.

Meulin had hours to check any of those places, just three places she knew you loved. She surely could've been here at any point to bring you home, but she didn't.

You sighed realizing the sad truth that Meulin just wasn't out looking for you. For once she kicked you out and didn't want you to come back. You thought that was pretty harsh at first, but given a second thought you knew she wasn't over exaggerating.

You've messed up so many times before and Meulin still stayed with you. But this time, you really messed up. You couldn't stop and her little sister Nepeta had to walk in to stop you. You kept wondering what would've happened if Nepeta hadn't walked in on you, what you would've done.

Your chest felt heavy, burning with an emotion you couldn't even describe. You were scared, upset, angry, you were an emotional mess. You had little hope that Meulin would forgive you but the least you could do was show her how sorry you were. You wouldn't ask for another chance because you knew you'd been given too many in the past. Meulin was probably sick of you asking that. You were a petty, messed up soul that didn't know what to do with yourself.

You kept walking through different neighborhoods, to arrive at Meulin's house. She lived with her Mom and little sister, she was lucky she didn't have to stay at a dorm for college with her house being so close. You were lucky you had an apartment too, though that was a no brainer with how wealthy your father is. You could've gotten the most expensive place in the whole town, but it was unnecessary. You were fine with a small place to stay- which you left about two months ago to live with Meulin for a while. You were testing what it'd be like if you moved in together. You saw how that turned out.

You walked down the block covered in snow until you finally arrived in front of Meulin's house. Slowly, you walked up the steps to the porch and knocked on the front door. You heard small steps coming to the door and Nepeta opened it. She looked at you with a tiny smile, but you knew she wasn't happy to see you. You could sense her fear which wasn't too hard to notice beneath that timid smile.

"H-hi Kurloz." She greeted you, she hadn't opened the door all the way, just halfway. You couldn't blame her.

You signed Meulin's name and Nepeta looked a little wary. "I'm sorry but she's upset, I don't think she wants to see you right now." Nepeta was being as polite as she could. You kind of knew nepeta was also feeling the same as Meulin.

You signed to her quickly.

'Please tell Meulin I'm sorry. I know she doesn't want me here anymore. Can I have my clothes?'

Nepeta watched you sign and she nodded. She seemed understanding enough and you would think she was relieved that you were officially leaving her house for good.

" I'll go ask Meulin, just a second." Nepeta closed the door and you heard her walking up the stairs. From there, you waited for her or Meulin to come down. To say a goodbye at least. But you waited more minutes and still no one came down to see you.

You would wait a little longer thinking Nepeta was too polite to leave you hanging, but you heard fluttering behind you, behind the porch, and you looked over your shoulder to see some clothes flutter to the snow on the lawn. You stepped down from the porch and looked up to see Meulin throwing more out of the second floor window.

You wanted to talk to her but she rapidly threw the rest of your clothing out the window and quickly slammed the window shut, leaving you to stare at it.

Well that was the last you'd see of Meulin in a long time. That was her goodbye to you, giving you back your clothes was an okay farewell. Even if they were now soaked from the snow beneath them.

You bent over to pick up the scattered clothes on the snowy ground. You looked pathetic trying to fold them and hold them under your arm, reaching out to fold the next.

Once you had a folded pile small enough to fit under your arm, you began to walk once more. You didn't look back, it would only make you feel worse than you already did. You didn't need to pull yourself any lower.

This was how everyday used to feel, you should be used to it. Now that Meulin was gone things were back to normal. At least it wasn't anything new.

You walked for some time until you reached your apartment building. It felt like forever since you last visited here when it has only been two months. You walked trough the lobby and opened the door to your apartment. The sun shone through the windows in the kitchen and living area but it wasn't enough to brighten anyone's mood.

Your place was so under furnished that the sun didn't have many surfaces to cover. Mostly just the cabinets in the kitchen and part of the sofa in the living room. The carpet was blank, nothing out of place. It was empty, nothing on the ground.

You slowly walked to your bedroom, probably the worst room in the house. Like the rest of your apartment, the sun shone through the window but couldn't reach much of your bed that was on the other side of the window. The brightness wasn't enough for such a dark place.

You were used to your poorly lit apartment, it gave you a slight comfort being back home. It felt natural, and familiar.

You put the small stack of clothes on the bed making sure they stayed folded and opened the closet next to it. It was small, dark, and had some clothes hanging. You moved some of the clothes to the side in order to make way for the clothes you were about to put away. Then your eyes caught sight of the rope.

You forgot you had that in there. You actually forgot about it entirely for a long time. You were mesmerized by it, just staring at it. Your eyes lowered down the rope at the end. You weren't contemplating anything, just the sight of it made you feel a certain way. You're not sure what it was, but it was a sort if anxiousness that had your blood pumping. You were suddenly aware of the blood rushing through the veins in your arms, your wrists, your neck.

Despite how anxious this made you, you kept staring at that rope. Not moving a muscle.

 

Kankri's POV

Your eyes fluttered open and you blinked a few times before attempting to sit up. You quickly realized Cronus had his arms around your waist.

Ugh, you told him you didn't want him touching you last night. You made it clear that you were upset, that things wouldn't be the same way as they were before.

You looked down at his sleeping face and frowned.

You loved him so much but now just looking at him made you sad. You felt terrible being so close to someone who didn't take you seriously, someone who didn't care enough about you.

And to think you were going to break your vow for him. You were going against your own religion. You suddenly felt bitter and self loathing. You were such an idiot for taking things so far just to please this jerk of a boyfriend.

You pulled his arms off of your waist and got out of bed, your light weight barely making any noise as you walked out of the room.

You decide to wear something decent to bed last night not wanting to please Cronus in anyway by looking at your body.

Heading towards the kitchen, you thought about what you'd have for breakfast but stopped short when a bright purple caught your attention.

Kurloz's jacket was hung up on the rack next to the door and you remembered just what happened last night. Your chest felt heavy as you remembered your little conversation. It was just what you needed at that time. A good distraction from such a bad situation you have.

You wish you could've talked more, wish you could've stayed a little longer to at least make sure he was going to be okay until Cronus showed up. You don't even remember what you said to him as he dragged you to the car. For once you kind of admit you were nagging Cronus at the time.

You looked back at the bedroom door. You're better off eating quickly before Cronus woke up. He surely seemed to think you were okay because of the way he wrapped his arms around you in your sleep. He was really stupid if he thought you would forgive him after last night.

In the kitchen, you poured your self a cup of coffee and slumped onto the small table in the corner. You have no idea what you were going to do now. You didn't have anywhere to go other than your old house with your father. You didn't want to think about him right now so you shook off that thought. Would you really have to be stuck with Cronus? You could move into one of the dorms at school.

You sighed that it was your only option. You suddenly felt very lonely right now. You realized without Cronus, the only friend you really had was Porrim. She was your best friend actually. You two had different classes but still found the time to see each other. That should've made you happy but you couldn't shake off the depression from having to end your relationship with Cronus.

All that time and effort gone to waste, spending it all on someone who didn't deserve it.

You sighed, looking down at your coffee. You took one sip of the drink then looked around. You wanted to get out of here. You wanted to leave Cronus and start new. It was your only choice right now, and you looked forward to it, the only thing you didn't look forward to was finding a place to stay.

You would much rather have your own apartment. Small spaces just stressed you out, especially with the messes you made. At least in an apartment you have more space to put your things rather than just have things all over the place.

You knew for sure you didn't had that kind of money. As much as you hated to admit it, Cronus was your only source of money. He had an abundance of money from his family and loaning you some wouldn't do him any harm. You felt terrible for kind of mooching off of him, but then you realized he did the same to you. Used you when he didn't even are about you.

You grew angrier and angrier by the second and you decided you needed to blow off some steam. You didn't have anywhere to go really. Porrim was still in France, she would come back in a few days. You would visit Karkat if he wasn't with your father.

You really didn't have anywhere to go. You needed an excuse to leave, anything really. You wish you could talk to Kurloz like you did last night. You wish you had someone to talk to right now.

Your eyes drifted to the purple jacket hanging next to the front door. You surely couldn't keep it forever. You should give it back to him.

It was a perfect excuse and probably your only excuse for going out right now. Checking the time you saw it was a quarter to ten. It was the morning but not too early. With that, you decided to leave without telling Cronus, you also decided to leave your phone on the kitchen counter. We'll see how Cronus takes it when you leave without any form of communication. Though you can't imagine it would effect him the way it affected you yesterday.

You snook into the bedroom to get out of your pajamas when you heard movement from the bed. You knew he was awake and you refused to make eye contact as you shuffled through the closet for something to wear.

"Where are you going, babe?" His voice was hoarse after just waking up.

You thought before you spoke. You could make him jealous and say you were going to see someone, or you could passively just say you were going out. You shouldn't stoop to his level by making him jealous. But you know what, you didn't care anymore.

"I'm going out to see Kurloz." You stated without looking at Cronus.

"And why is that?" Cronus didn't sound upset or irritated at all. Damn you for thinking you could actually make him jealous. Really you're only reason for seeing Kurloz was to return his jacket. That's not really something to be jealous about.

So instead you chose not to say your reason for seeing him. You still didn't care enough and ignored Cronus as you put on a pair of pants and found a shirt to wear.

Cronus had gotten up from the bed and wrapped his arms around you. You didn't move away or try to push him off.

"I wish you would answer me." Cronus rested his head on top of yours, smelling your hair.

He was being so gentle with you, with his warm arms wrapped around you. You had to get out of here right now. The feeling in your chest was overwhelming.

You pulled out of his embrace, rubbing your eyes trying to contain the tears that threatened to spill down your cheeks. This was definitely going to be a lot harder than you expected.

Cronus didn't say anything when you took Kurloz' jacket in your arms and left the apartment. You had no idea if you left him irritated or heartbroken. The way he spoke to you was so soft and he was so gentle, so careful when he wrapped his arms around you.

You had to stop thinking about it before you started crying. It was then you realized leaving to bring Kurloz his jacket was the best excuse you had for leaving the love of your life for a while.

You knew about Meulin's house from your father. He'd visited her mother multiple times. Her and your father have been dating for a while now. You knew Kurloz lived with Meulin now from what you heard from your father, "I don't know how she lets her daughter's boyfriend move in. Not only is it a bad idea, but he doesn't look like a good role model." It was kind of funny now that you look back at it.

You drove in the direction you remember Meulin's house to be in. You turned into a neighborhood and you had to drive slowly to look for the familiar house with a porch. You caught sight of the house and pulled up to the front. Getting out of the car, the snow beneath your boots crunched as you walked up to the porch and knocked on the door.

Ms. Leijon greeted you at the front door. "Hello Kankri! Come in honey! So nice of you to visit." She gave you a big smile, welcoming you inside. It was warm inside and very homey. You found yourself becoming jealous at the comfort you felt in a family house. It made you miss yours.

As you walked in, you saw Nepeta was sitting at the table, Several colored drawings were strewn about the table.

"Hi Kankitty! How's Karkitty?" It was so like Nepeta to mention your brother. You think she has a crush on him, the little drawings of someone in a familiar grey sweater kind of have it away.

"Karkat's doing well. He's still crabby, but well none the less." You smiled at her and she giggled.

"Would you like some hot chocolate?" Ms. Leijon offered you a cup and you kindly declined.

"That won't be necessary, thank you. I came to return Kurloz' jacket that he loaned me the other day." You showed her the large purple jacket and she looked apologetically at the jacket. Why did she look upset?

"I'm sorry Kanny, Kurloz moved out earlier this morning."

You were very puzzled at this, he moved out this morning? That was strange, you wondered why he could've moved out today. Yesterday was Christmas and he left the next day? That was a little off. You wonder what could've happened but you didn't push.

"Oh, um, could Meulin possibly give it to him?" You asked and she looked even more distressed.

"Meulin isn't able to do that right now, can I talk to you in the living room?" She brought you to the living room with a hand on your back. What could she want to share with you that she had to be out of earshot from Nepeta?

"What is wrong?" You asked, you looked really confused right now, holding the purple jacket against your chest. Ms. Leijon gave you a sad look.

"I'm sorry to say Meulin and Kurloz broke up yesterday." You looked surprised, you wanted to interject and ask why 'the greatest couple in existence'- as Porrim would call them- would have separated. But you held in your concern and confusion, letting Ms. Leijon continue.

"Here, I'll write down his address, honey." She said quickly and she speed walked into the kitchen to get something then came back with a pen and ripped piece of paper. Quickly, she scribbled something down, using the wall for support as she wrote. She passed you the small paper, it was an address.

"This is his address. It's a big apartment building, you can't miss it. Please make sure he's okay for me? Talk to him for me, please. Make sure he's alright." She looked at you with bright eyes and a fast urgent voice. What was she talking about?

Did this have to do with why he was trying to break the ice in the park last night?  
For a second you felt as urgent as her and nodded in understanding.

"Don't worry, I'll talk to him." You gave her a small smile and she gave you a weak one in response. "Thank you sweetheart." She gave you a hug and led you to the front door. As you stepped you she gave you another smile, solidifying your agreement. You felt it was up to you to help ease Ms. Leijon's stress and carry this out for her.

You got into your car, and looked at the piece of paper before entering the address into your phone for directions and started driving.

It didn't take long surprisingly, the building was big, like Cronus'. You expected it to be just as expensive and spacious as his too. Stepping inside, it was just as you expected. You never thought about how wealthy Kurloz could be. Using the elevator to the top floor, you knocked on the door. You hoped this was the right one. You took out the piece of paper and looked it over once more.

It was in fact the right door. You stood there a minute or two and there was no answer. You began to think maybe he went out or something, but then Kurloz opens the door. He looked down at you and seemed surprised to see you. He didn't look so good either.

"Hello Kurloz, I have your jacket with me from the other night- I didn't want to keep it from you for too long seeing as it's winter and another snowstorm is bound to come around-" before you could continue rambling as you usually do, Kurloz pulled you inside by the arm, closing the door behind you.

You were surprised at his sudden decision to let you inside and were about to turn around to look at him again. He was standing like he didn't know what to say or do and you looked at him in concern. His black eyes were droopy and lifeless. You could tell he'd been crying.

"Are you okay?" You remembered what Ms. Leijon told you and you were going to do exactly what she said. She seemed very worried but you couldn't help to think what was there to worry about? A boy that got dumped by his girlfriend, you didn't think that was something worthy of the reaction Ms. Leijon had.

Kurloz didn't answer you, you looked so defeated. You felt bad for him but couldn't help but feel this would all pass soon. It was a break up and you were going through the same thing.

You put your hand on his back and rubbed it. "I found out you and Meulin have separated. But I'm here for you to talk to. I know how you feel, I'm going through a separation myself." You tried to comfort him and he sighed.

"Will you talk to me? Where's your phone?" You would've gave him yours but you left it at home- which you don't regret. Kurloz gave a shrug. He didn't know where his phone was?

"Is it in your room? I can get it for-" before you could finish, Kurloz walked through the open door of his bedroom to get his cell phone and then made sure to close the door when he was done.

"Okay, now can you tell me what you're feeling?" Kurloz just stared at you for a second. He looked just so disinterested. Like he didn't want to be there right now. You have him a look as if to say 'go on'. And he finally typed something into his phone then showed you.

'I want to die.'

There he goes again with that. You wish he wouldn't say things like that.

"Don't say things like that Kurloz! I've known you for one day and you've already mentioned suicide twice, you know things like that-"  
Kurloz glared at you and that shut you up immediately. He didn't look like the kind of guy you would want to make angry, that glare said it all.

He gave you the middle finger and you would've spoken but then you saw his hand. It was covered in dried blood and you felt faint at the sight.

"Kurloz, what happened to your hand?" You reached out for his hand but he pulled it away from you. He stared so angrily at you and you felt so intimidated. You couldn't shake off the feeling that you were imposing on him, but he was the one that let you in.

"Please let me see your hand? Can you at least tell me what happened?" Your voice was soft but it didn't faze him.

You could tell he wanted so badly to say something, he was glaring at you and you just wanted to to disappear under that gaze. You gripped the purple jacket closer to your chest. He looked like he wanted to hurt you.

"Uhmm, Kurloz?" You reach out to rub his arm despite how scary he looked right now. It was the good choice too because his face lightened up a bit. He didn't look so scary anymore. Now he just looked like the sorriest person on earth. You saw the tears in his eyes and you quickly hugged him.

"Im sorry if I upset you." You rubbed his back and he hesitantly returned the embrace.

A minute passed and he let go of you. He reached for his phone to type something out,

'Why are you even here?'

You were a bit puzzled that he would ask, it was obvious.

"Because I care about you. I want to make sure you're okay."

He typed once more then showed you.

'Why wouldn't I be okay?'

You read the message and you thought. Well he wouldn't be okay because you understood now that he wanted to die, apparently Ms. Leijon knew that too because she requested that you'd check on him.

"Because you said it yourself, that you want to die." You looked at him seriously because you wanted some answers.  
"Now can you please tell me what's wrong with your hand?" You looked down at his hand to hold it. Kurloz didn't resist this time as you inspected it. You saw the redness of a bruise forming and a few cuts on his knuckles that caused the bleeding. He used his other hand to type then showed you.

'I punched a hole in the wall.'

He looked unfazed by the whole ordeal but you on the other hand looked shocked.

"Why would you do that?!" You looked from his phone back to him. Unlike last time, he didn't glare at you for being so annoying. "Listen, please you shouldn't do things like that, if you're feel so bad that you would do that, then you need to tell someone."

He typed onto the phone and quickly showed you.  
'Theres no one to tell.'

"There's got to be someone, Kurloz. What about your family?" Apparently this wasn't the right thing to say because Kurloz only frowned. He didn't want to say anything further.

"Well... I'll give you my number, you tell me whenever you're feeling the need to hurt yourself and I'll talk to you. I'll talk to you about anything, okay?" You didn't have your phone with you so Kurloz hesitantly gave you his for you to put your number in.

Wow you guess he wasn't lying, he had like two contacts and they didn't even have names. Just little text faces. ':o(' and ':3'. You put in your phone number and gave it back to him. You wondered what he would change your name to, you felt kind of special being one of the few people he could talk to.

"Text me whenever you want."

He took back his phone and looked at the screen, then back to you. He looked at you inspecting you somewhat. It looked like he was contemplating something. But then he typed,

'I think you should leave.'

You were alarmed at that, he didn't look mad at you but you were worried about what he wanted to do when you leave.

"But I know you're not okay. You're not in the right mindset, I shouldn't leave you alone." Despite your pleads, he rushed you over to the door, grabbing his jacket from your arms. "Kurloz, we should talk about this!" Before you could say anything else, he gently pushed you out the door and closed it behind you.

It was obvious he didn't want you there, but you just couldn't leave him. You felt like you failed Ms. Leijon. You stood outside the door for a few minutes. You didn't hear anything coming from inside. You expected to hear something, anything. But there was no sound and you think he would be okay. Maybe he would sleep the day away. You knew that's something you would do if you were in his position.

Hesitantly, you walked away from his door. You didn't feel too guilty as you exited the building and into your car. You were sure he would be okay. You would just make sure when you got home where you could text him.

Arriving at your own apartment building- which you just realized how lucky you were to have lived in such a prestigious building. You walked up to you and Cronus' apartment and opened the door.

You were greeted by Cronus who poke his head from the kitchen.

"Hey, Kanny." He walked up to you as you hung up your jacket on the coat hanger. He hugged you from behind and you felt a rush of feelings. The feelings you had this morning. It was made you sick to your stomach. You were conflicted because you really did love him. But you knew what you had to do.

You hugged him back then quickly grabbed your phone from the counter and walked to your bedroom. As you closed the door, you stood there panting. You hadn't noticed how out of breath you were from your racing heart. You were beyond anxious.

You climbed onto the bed, wrapping the blanket around you, your knees to your chest. You turned on your phone and messaged Porrim.

'Porrim, I need to talk to you.'

You but your lip waiting for a response, you really needed to talk. You were just too stressed being here, being around Cronus. A few minutes passed before you got a response.

'Hello Kanny what's up?'

You quickly typed a response, not caring how urgent you must look.

'Im breaking up with Cronus and I just feel so terrible. I hate being around him because I love him so much but he doesn't take me seriously, it's just not healthy to be in this relationship any longer.'

As you typed it, you felt tears roll down your cheek. You didn't notice when you started crying and you wiped your eyes with the sleeves of you shirt. This time it didn't take long for Porrin to respond.

'What happened?'  
'If he did anything to you, I'll castrate him as soon as I get back from France.'

You sniffled and tried not to break down sobbing in fear that Cronus would hear you. For a second you didn't really know what to type, you didn't know how to explain the events that lead up to this. You would just keep things simple.

'He left me on Christmas and came back drunk. I prepared everything that day, I was even going to break my vow for him.'

Porrim knew about your plan, she was the one that recommended you which adult store to go to for your lingerie. It would've been embarrassing to tell her all of this if she wasn't your closest friend. You wouldn't hide anything from her, you two were inseparable.

'I knew he was an asshole. And to think I actually trusted him with you. He was the same damn way with me, he just uses people then leaves after he gets what he wants. We both know what he wanted from you and he's just you much of a hormonal brat to wait any longer. I knew he would do something to upset you.'

You kind of got the hint that Porrim thought Cronus had cheated on you that Christmas Day when he came back drunk. You hadn't thought of that possibility... You thought he was just being an irresponsible jerk. The realization that he could've cheated on you that day made you stop and think. What if he did cheat on you? What if he really couldn't wait for you to break your vow? The very idea that he would do such a thing to you, the idea that he just tricked you with this relationship, it all made you so angry. He took advantage of you, after you opened up so easily and spent all your time dedicated to him. He didn't really love you, did he?

'Hey, do you have any place to stay? When I get back I'll gladly let you stay with me.'

You didn't realize you hadn't replied for a while and you thought about Porrim's offer.

'If it's not imposing on you and your roommate... I don't know.'

You were feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of moving out and into some place entirely new. This had been your home for about 6 months and it was upsetting that you had to leave, even though you knew it was your only chance at happiness.

'Of course, she'll be alright with it. I'll make sure she is. I love you Kanny, I'll do anything for you. I'll be back after New Years, can you wait until then?'

You could wait however long for Porrim.

'Of course, thank you so much Porrim.'  
You were so thankful for her being there for you. It's not like you deserved any of it.

'No problem. Hang in there, I'll talk to you later tonight, okay?'

'Alright, thank you.'

And with that, your conversation ended. You put down your phone and stared at the edge of the bed. You stopped crying halfway through your conversation with Porrim. You didn't know what to feel really. But the one thing you were sure about is that you weren't guilty anymore. You didn't have any remorse for leaving Cronus, 'the love of your life'. He probably cheated on you on Christmas. Who even does a thing like that?

You bunched your fists up beside you, the blanket wrinkling below them. You were kind of thankful that you were angry now, the pain and sorrow descended for now. You'd rather feel angry at him than upset with yourself. And you were entitled to it anyway.

It was the afternoon by now and you didn't want to move from the bed. Didn't want to walk out of here and see Cronus' stupid face. You decided to lay down and get some sleep, it was your best option to cool down. It didn't take long for you to fall asleep with the blanket practically covering your whole face and there was not a part of you to be seen, all covered up.

It had been surprisingly a few hours before you were shook awake. Your eyes were a little groggy as you pulled the blanket from you face only to be met with Cronus who was beside you.

You tried hard not to glare at him or frown, so you just stared at him.

"Uh, hey babe. You sleep well?" He grinned at you sensing you weren't in a good mood.

Internally you cursed the hell out of Cronus.  
"Mhm." You turned around and covered your face with the blanket once more.

"Aww, please don't be like that Kanny." Cronus whined, trying to hug you from behind. You wanted so badly to get out of his embrace and then your phone vibrated on the nightstand next to the bed. You quickly fled from his embrace and threw the blankets over you as you scooted over the bed to reach your phone. It must be Porrim, and you thanked god for the distraction.

You looked your screen and saw this was just one message out of many more.

Porrim did in fact text you, but it was the other messages that interested you.

'Im sorry for kicking you out'

'Im really sorry'

'Im annoying aren't I?'

'Sorry'

It was Kurloz, you saw the texts were from about half an hour before. You texted back, feeling bad for not answering him earlier.

'Hello Kurloz, sorry I didn't answer, I was asleep. How are you doing?'

You would've typed more but Cronus wrapped his arms around your waist.  
"Why are you ignoring me?" He had a pout on his face, trying to pull you closer. You wanted badly to say something, but you just couldn't.

"What's wrong? Why're you so gloomy?" He nuzzled his face in the side of your neck and you sighed. He was using your weak spot.

"It's none of your business." You said this quietly and not as stern as you wanted to, it was hard feeling his breath against your neck.

He held you tighter against his chest.  
"Yes it is. I love you, Kanny."

You widened your eyes and quickly pushed him back. "Don't say that." You looked more offended than he did, your eyes were wide as you glared at him.

"Don't say what? I'm not allowed to tell my boyfriend-"

"I'm NOT your boyfriend." You didn't even think before speaking, you were so frustrated and angry that you didn't have a filter right now. You didn't think about how confusing this was probably for Cronus since this was your only time saying something like that, even though it's something that's been on your mind for a while.

Cronus was silent for a bit, he looked at you in shock, not knowing what to say.

"What do you mean your NOT my boyfriend? I don't understand what's up, Kanny." He tried giving you a small reassuring smile which only made you glare harder, effectively making him look worried.

"You can't be serious, Kanny." Cronus reached out for you, wrapping his arms around you, resting his head on your shoulder. There he goes again. Making you feel that rush of feelings again, from his gentle touch and you slowly wrapped your arms around him, making him hold you closer.

"Don't scare me like that, Kanny." He laughed nervously, holding you close. You could tell how scared he was by the tremble in his voice. You felt sick that you made him feel such emotions from your words. It burned the out in your stomach, you hated how weak he made you whenever he was upset. It was your second nature to comfort people, and Cronus was no acceptation. You couldn't pull away from him, sinking into his embrace.

"What's wrong?" Cronus looked down at you and you felt your body shaking. When did you start crying?

Startled, you lifted up your arms to rub your eyes and you sobbed.

"Kankri? Please tell me what's wrong?" Cronus looked genuinely worried and you hated it. You hated everything about him.

"I-I'm moving o-out." You couldn't stop sobbing. "I h-hate you." You couldn't hold in your feelings any longer, you body trembled within his arms.

"What?" Cronus looked startled, wide eyes staring at you. "Don't joke around, babe." He laughed nervously and you knew he was freaking out inside.

You hit his chest weakly, overwhelmed. "I hate you! I hate you so much and I can't stand being here any longer. I don't want to be anywhere near you!" You rubbed your eyes, your sobs lessening as you tried to get a grip on yourself.

"Why would you say something like that?! I'm being serious, if this is some stupid joke, it's not funny."  
It was so like Cronus to say something like that. He's in denial, why would anyone turn down Cronus Ampora? That was never something that occurred to him was it?

You felt angry and huffed, pulling out of his embrace. You had stopped crying, eyes red and puffy from crying. You took your phone and walked into the living room, sitting on the couch with your knees to your chest. You needed another excuse to leave this damn place.

You opened your messages with Kurloz and saw that he hadn't answered yet. You felt kind of guilty that Kurloz was always your excuse. You felt like you were using him. Quickly, you typed a message.

'Is it okay if I come over?'

You wiped your eyes, sniffling. You probably sounded like a brat wanting to come over to run from your problems.

"Kankri, don't just walk away like that. You need to talk to me." Cronus walked over and stood in front of the couch. You refused to look at him, holding your legs closer to your chest. Once again you had someone staring at you and you just wanted to disappear.

He didn't take your silence so kindly.  
"Why don't you look at me when I'm talking to you?" He sounded angry now. Typical Cronus, you saw right through him. Him and his stupid ego couldn't accept the fact that you weren't happy with him.

You still refused to look at him and he knelt down, grabbing your chin to turn your head and meet his gaze.

"Fucking talk to me! I don't understand what your problem is! Stop ignoring me Kankri, it'll get you no where." You glared at him as he stared at you back. He was so defensive and you hated it. Yet again, you refused to answer him, glaring at him, challenging him.

He growled and pushed your head back against the couch.  
"I knew I shouldn't have waisted my time on someone like you, I knew you didn't care enough the moment we started dating. You never took into account how the hell I felt about everything!" He ranted, effectively breaking the last straw.

"What are you even talking about?! You're getting all pissy because I didn't want to have sex with you, you shallow bastard?! I always cared about you, you didn't even care enough to spend Christmas with me. You're a jerk, Cronus." You finally got it out of your system, you were glaring daggers at him. He just looked even more angry.

"Maybe I would've spent Christmas with you if I knew I would finally get something out of this fucking relationship. You knew what I wanted and don't fucking lie and say that you didn't." He was getting on your nerves.

"Yes!! I knew what you wanted, and I was going to give it to you! I was ready to be the fucking slut you always wanted! And I look back at it now and I'm ashamed I ever thought about giving you my body! You don't deserve someone like me. You don't deserve this relationship, you know!" You yelled at him leaving him speechless. He knew you were heated when you had the nerve to curse and it scared him quite frankly. You stood up, grabbing you jacket and shoes. All he could do was stand there watching you slam the door behind you.

If was freezing out and the sun was setting when you got into your car. You sat there gripping the steering wheel until your knuckles were white. You knew where you were going, it was the only place you thought about. You didn't care about how selfish you probably were for going to Kurloz' apartment to seek refuge. You just needed to be away from Cronus. Putting the keys in the ignition, you sped away from that damned place you had the displeasure to call home.

Despite the falling snow, you managed to drive up to the familiar building, and got out seeking Kurloz' floor.

Walking up to the door, you knocked a little harder than usual. The door opened with a click and you realized it wasn't even shut all the way. Cautiously, you stepped in.

"Kurloz? I hope I'm not intruding, but you left the door open a bit."  
Despite what an emotional wreck you were a few minutes ago, you were comforted knowing you left your problems back home.  
It was silent for a bit and you wondered if he was even home, until you heard a crunching sound from the bathroom. It sounded like a crushing sound, maybe like glass? You couldn't quite put your finger on it.

Slowly walking towards the bathroom, you were about to say something when you heard a small shattering piece of glass from inside.

"Kurloz, are you okay? What's that noise?" You were concerned but frustrated realizing there was no way he would answer you.

You heard more crunching from inside.

"Hey, can you show me you're okay? Can you make a noise for me?" You were confused and scare of what the hell he would be doing in there with broken glass.

There was the sound of the sink turning on and off and then you knew he was okay. Or at least he could respond to you.

"Can you come out here? What's wrong?" You asked and it was silent until you heard a little more glass fall to the ground.

"Kurloz? Why is there broken glass- what're you doing? I need to come in." You were officially scared at what he could've been doing in there with shattered glass and you tried to open to door, but it was locked.

"Please let me in? I want to help you!" You were distressed when you heard no answer. You needed to get in there, you stood there for a second in panic then looked towards the open door to his bedroom. Maybe there was a second entry to the bathroom in there.

You rushed into the bedroom and looked for a door to the bathroom when your eyes caught sight of the few holes in the walls. You were scared at the destruction and you looked at the mess caused by Kurloz' rage. But one hole in the wall was right next to an open closet and you stared at what was inside.

In disbelief, you walked towards the closet, pushing the hanging clothes out of the way and you saw the rope fully. Your heart sank as you stared at the loop at the end. Why, why why? You were startled once you heard a door click and you turned to see Kurloz in front of a door, the second entrance to the bathroom.

You looked at him and he looked shocked at you. He was shocked that you had the nerve to invade his privacy like that.

"What the hell is this?!" You gripped the rope and stared at him, you were shocked to say the least. Your hand was trembling as it gripped the rope.

Kurloz was speechless. He was staring with wide eyes.

You felt your eyes tearing up and you walked up to Kurloz, you knew he had a death wish, but you were scared shitless seeing such a thing in his closet.

"Why would you..." You noticed the smear of blood on his jaw and you looked even more puzzled. You reached up and inspected his face for a cut but there was none. He let you turn his head as you checked both sides of his face. He seemed surprisingly passive.

Your eyes looked down seeing more of the red liquid on his collarbone and you looked farther down, inspecting his body in silence. What you saw shocked you, the blood dripping from his hands frightened you and you didn't think before lifting his hand. You saw some cuts on his hand and you freaked out.

You turned behind him to open the bathroom door to clean up the wound on his hands but stopped half way. The floor was covered with pieces of glass from the shattered mirror above the sink- which itself had splatters of blood on it.

"Kurloz, what did you do?" You were so distraught all you could do was stand there in awe. You felt him grab your shoulder and pulled you from the bathroom door closing it. He didn't want you to look at the damage. There was now blood on your jacket but you didn't care. You stared at Kurloz' hands and stained sleeves.

"Why would you do this? Why did you hurt yourself?" You felt tears falling down your cheeks. You were just so scared by all of this, all of the blood, that damn rope in the closet topped it all. This was too real.

Kurloz lifted his hands to touch you, but pulled them away, not wanting to get blood on you.

"We need to go to the hospital." He let you drag him to the living room but he stopped you before you could leave out the door.

"Come on, we have to go, you need help." You were so distraught, the tears falling down your cheeks and you cried silently. You've cried enough today.  
Kurloz looked at you sternly and pulled out of your grip, walking to the sink in the kitchen. He pulled up his sleeves to wash the blood from his arms and you wanted to say something, but you were speechless at seeing him wash the blood from his wrists which had one gash each.

You rushed over to him to look at the injuries, but he hid them from you, wrapping a rag around each hand.

"K-Kurloz, the hospital-" before you could finish, Kurloz gave you a look, shaking his head. You need desperately for him to talk to you and it only frustrated you further.

He sat on the couch in the living room and laid down on the cushions. He looked so tired, just so done with everything. The cloth around his wrists loosened a little but effectively covered them.

Slowly, you joined him on the couch. You wanted to look at his wrists, but seeing as it didn't soak through the cloth, you thought it might not be too deep enough for too much blood loss. But you worried none the less.

You put your hand on his shoulder and looked at him with furrowed brows. You were just so sorry.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea how bad you felt, I wish I would've taken you more seriously. I'm sorry." You could only apologize right now, and he just rested his head on your lap. He looked too tired for any of this and the only thing you thought to do was comfort him. You ran your fingers through his mess of black hair and he leaned against your touch.

He must be so detached from everything the way he leaned into your touch, like he'd been depraved of this for so long.

Your other hand rubbed his shoulder and he leaned closer to you, his eyes closed. For once you didn't curse at your deep instinct of comforting people. With Kurloz you knew he needed it. Unlike Cronus, who'd taken advantage of you for so long.

At that moment you knew Kurloz needed you more than Cronus ever would.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A call from Porrim brings old and unwelcome memories which triggers something that Kurloz constantly hates himself for. But he just can't go through with it, something stops him and everything's suddenly all too real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added some details in this chapter that might need you to look a little harder, maybe you'll get it as you go along, but maybe a reread might get you understanding it if you're a little confused!
> 
> Warning for this chapter there is violent/traumatic memories.

You awoke to the sound of some sort of muffled machine from behind you. The warmth around you was too comfortable to leave it just yet as you pulled the blanket closer, curling your body. The sound of the drill was distracting and you finally opened your eyes fully. It was dark until you sat up and saw the morning light peeking from a half closed curtain. You furrowed your brows and rubbed your eyes.

The drilling stopped momentarily as you looked around. You were in a rather large bed, two layers of blankets covered your body. As you pulled your arms from the blankets you realized just how cold the room was.

Wait, you were in Kurloz' room? Looking around, you saw the holes in the wall had disappeared and were covered with some sort of white paint. You internally screamed at the fact that you slept in his bed, you don't even remember falling asleep last night.

The drilling stopped moments ago and you turned as you heard a click from the bathroom entrance at the wall across from the bed. He didn't expect to see you awake and waved at you awkwardly. He had that familiar grey and white face paint and you couldn't help but feel more comfortable with it on. He had a black t-shirt that was covered in a white powdery substance. All the times you've seen him in the past he had that face paint on. He's had it off in his worst and you didn't like a bare face if it meant he wasn't okay.

In his hand was a drill and you noticed he properly dressed the wounds on his wrists.

"What time is it?" You asked and rubbed your face with your sleeves, waking yourself up even further.

Kurloz touched two fingers together and you didn't know what that meant.

"Is that nine?" Kurloz shook his head and repeated the notion.

"Ten? Eleven?" Kurloz shook his head again and tapped the two fingers faster. You knew he was frustrated but it was amusing seeing you guess.

"Earlier than that?" You scratched your head from your messy dark brown hair. Kurloz nodded and you guessed again.

"Umm... Eight?" Kurloz finally nodded and laughed silently. And you smiled that you finally guessed right, also seeing him laugh was something smile worthy for sure.

Kurloz walked over to the nightstand and placed the drill there, you guessed the closet was a better place to put it but then you remembered the rope that was hanging inside it. You frowned at that thought but were brought out of it when you saw Kurloz taking off his shirt and you flushed in embarrassment.

"Kurloz! What are you doing? Do you know how triggering that is?! Be modest! Don't do that with me here!" You hid your face in your hands trying desperately to not look at Kurloz.

You heard more shuffling until Kurloz patted your shoulder and you looked up. He was smiling at you obviously amused at your actions. He had a new shirt on and you relaxed.

"Why'd you do that?" You were frustrated and flustered and crossed your arms at him.

Kurloz picked up the discarded shirt and showed you the white dust and stains that were on it. Probably from fixing up the walls.

"Oh... That makes sense." You uncrossed your arms and Kurloz walked over to the curtain, pulling it open more. He gestured you to come follow him and you stood up and stretched as you followed him into the kitchen. You took time to appreciate how nice the apartment was and at the marble counters in the kitchen, the steel stained appliances, you just had time to appreciate it.

He took out a whole tub of ice cream and took two spoons from the drawer and handed a spoon to you.

"Ice cream for breakfast?" You gave him a weird look as he opened the tub of chocolate ice cream and dug his spoon into the smooth surface. He looked at you with a nod and ate a spoonful. This wasn't a healthy food choice for breakfast especially, you shouldn't be eating such a thing at such an early time of day.

Despite everything going through your head, you joined him and he looked at you and smiled at how hesitant you were. You raised an eyebrow at him and ate your own spoonful of ice cream and you couldn't hide the smile that appeared as you both scooped up more and more.

You'd decided you were too full when the tub was barely halfway gone. That didn't stop Kurloz from eating the rest and you were worried at how he could eat such an amount of chocolate.

"Don't eat so much, you'll get a stomach ache." He didn't listen to you as he threw out the empty tub into the garbage and discarded the spoon into the sink. You hadn't realized how much he'd actually eaten. You were about to scold him when your phone began ringing. It startled you and you turned to the sound and picked it up from the counter.

"Hello?" You hadn't looked at the caller ID because you were too focused on not missing the call.

"Kankri, I've been texting you all night. I was beginning to worry, you never miss my calls or texts. What have you been doing?" It was Porrim. You exhaled, thankful that it wasn't Cronus bombarding you on your whereabouts. It's not very characteristic of him, but you expected it after having that heated argument yesterday. Especially since you left and didn't come back.

"Oh! I apologize Porrim. I'm sorry to worry you, I just hadn't been near my phone all night, I was very busy." You smiled hearing her sigh into the phone.

"If you don't mind me asking Kanny, but how are you and Cronus? Was he the reason for you being so busy?" She sounded irritated but you quickly corrected her.

"Oh not at all. Well- actually we did get into a little argument yesterday... So I went elsewhere. I couldn't stand being near him after that, you know?I yelled at him and it just felt so good to have that burden lifted from my shoulders, I think I'm finally ready to move on from everything." As you continued your long conversation, which you always had with Porrim, you were pacing a bit. You tended to move around while you were deep in conversation.

"I'm so glad you've stood up for yourself Kanny! Oh, I'm so happy to hear that you left that jerk behind. Where are you if you're not home? I didn't know you had another place to stay." Porrim sounded genuinely happy for you and your smile widened, she never failed to make you feel so important. She never told you to shut up or ignore your long conversations unlike most tend to do, and for that you deeply loved her for it.

"Thank you so much Porrim. I'm happy for now, I'm currently at Kurloz' apartment. I stayed the night- it was actually kind if an accident. I didn't mean to fall asleep-"

"Kurloz? Why are you with him?" She interrupted you which was uncharacteristic of her, but you answered none the less.

"Well ever since Christmas, we've gotten along really well, I can actually say he's now a friend of mine." You were confident with your answer, though you left out the upsetting conditions in which you met, you managed to get your point across. But your small smile disappeared at hearing Porrim raise her voice.

"What do you mean you 'accidentally' fell asleep?! You shouldn't be anywhere near him, you need to leave right now." Porrim was stern and it intimidated you how she was so sharp with her words. It was just like a typical mother would sound when reprimanding a child.

"But Porrim, I don't understand? Why should I-"

"Listen to what I'm saying, Kankri. You need to leave right now, there's no discussing it. You're not safe there, and you need to get out of there right now. Go home." She interrupted you once more and you stiffened at her words. You were so confused and conflicted, you had no idea what she was talking about.

"But Porrim!" You wanted to say more, but there was a hand on your shoulder and you turned to see Kurloz. He noticed how distressed you were and gave you a concerned look. You acknowledged him, putting your hand on the one on your shoulder.

"Are you going to listen to me?" You could imagine Porrim with her hand on her hip, in that intimidating pose she would give anyone who would challenge her. You were panicking internally, you wanted to listen to Porrim, but there were so many factors that she didn't know about, and you especially didn't want to bring them up with Kurloz beside you.

"I can't just leave, Porrim. Me and Kurloz are-"

"I swear to God Kankri. You need to listen to me!"

"Porrim! You listen to me, I said-"

"KANKRI! If you're going to be so difficult, I have no problem telling Cronus to come and get you." You tapped your foot anxiously and tried to think of a quick response.

"Why would you resort to that?! You know I'm done with him! Neither you or him know how to get here, so don't bother! I won't stay here for long, you're going to be back soon enough and I'll gladly do as you say." Your voice was shaky and you were obviously in distress. The hand on your shoulder moved to wrap around you in a comforting embrace. Dammit, not now Kurloz, you were a mess! But you couldn't ignore how your body released the tension that had built up in your shoulders.

"Then it appears I won't have you waiting any longer, I'm going to take the next flight back to get you, and I'm notifying Cronus." Porrim hung up before you could respond and you continued to shake in anxiety, your leg tapped against the ground and Kurloz began to pat your hair- which was rather messy.

"Ugh! Kurloz! This isn't the time to be doing this!" You scolded him and exited his embrace and you paced. Kurloz just watched as you nervously thought of what to do. You didn't notice his change in demeanor, you were just too frustrated with yourself to notice.

Kurloz signed to you with a wave of his hands and a confused face. You could tell he was confused.

"My friend Porrim is not happy about me staying here, she's adamant that I go back to Cronus. I just can't handle that! I have no idea what her problem is!" You looked at Kurloz after you ranted but saw his fraught expression, he appeared to be thinking of something to do.

He signed something fast with one hand and you gave him a look. You obviously had no idea what he was saying, and he grabbed your phone to spell it out.

'Maryam?'

You read it and nodded your head. "Why? Do you know her?" There was a short silence between you two, you were confused with what Porrim had to do with Kurloz. You saw his eyes that were averting your gaze were locked with the floor. Why wasn't he looking at you? What was he thinking about? He stood their unmoving, he looked distant, and it worried you.

"Did something happen between you two? What's wrong?" You put your hand on his shoulder and he pulled away from you, he refused to look at you and headed towards his bedroom. You tried to follow him, but he shut the door behind him. Forgetting your stress from before, you were too concerned and quite frankly you were afraid seeing Kurloz like this. You knew what he was capable of before when he was upset, and you didn't want to see how low he had to be to repeat last night's actions.

You were quiet for a minute, waiting outside the door. You didn't want to invade his personal space, but with him you felt like you had to.

Slowly, you opened the door and saw him sitting on the bed against the headboard. He had his face buried in a pillow with his knees up to his chest.

"Kurloz..?" You walked up to him and sat down on the edge of the bed.

He didn't respond, just squeezed the pillow harder.

"I know you can't answer me, but can you at least look at me?" You contemplated if you should touch him or not. Kurloz shook his head no into the pillow.

You put your hand on his arm gently and you saw him tense. He quickly flinched away, not wanting to be near you.

"I... I don't understand what happened. Things will be okay, Kurloz. I just want to make sure you're alright." You tilted your head trying to get a good look at him. You put your hand on his back this time and he looked up from the pillow, glaring at you. His black eyes frightened you with how sharply they bore into you. You quickly pulled your hand away as if you touched a hot stove, his glare was burning a hole into your eyes.

"I'm sorry, I just-" Before you could respond, Kurloz pushed you onto your back, you felt him wrap his hands around your neck and he was now above you on the bed.

You were startled and your eyes widened, you pulled your hands up over his own to pull them off, but his hands never tightened against your throat like you thought they would. You hesitated pulling his hands off of you. His grip was slack around your neck and you looked up at him.

He looked at you with wide eyes. He looked indecisive, like he was contemplating something. You were confused and frightened, just what was he trying to do? What was he thinking right now?

His thumbs began to rub small slow circles around your throat, burning your skin. That ignited a spark of realization and you pulled his hands off and looked at him with a frown, your face flustered. Why did he have to do that? And on your neck of all places, that was one of the most triggering places on your body that no one should ever touch. You wondered why you even let him that close in the first place.

"Why did you do that?!" You were beyond flustered as you stood back from him on the bed, your shoulders raised, trying to cover your neck just in case his hands would wander again.

He looked a little surprised, staring at your neck. You noticed how his hands gripped the blanket around him.

You rubbed your neck in irritation, the blush hadn't faded. It only got worse when Kurloz wrapped his arms around you and held you close. Once again he invaded your space, you hadn't even recovered from when he touched your neck before!

"Kurloz! Stop doing that, you can't just invade my personal space like that!" You didn't pull away but you didn't return the hug either, you sat there in confusion and embarrassment. The way he held you close felt more comforting than uncomforting.

He didn't let go of you and you ruffled his hair, amused at his antics.

"You're so strange, I don't understand your tendencies." You laughed a little and he pulled back to give you a small smile. You were so confused. A few minutes ago he was glaring at you for touching him, now he couldn't keep his hands off of you. Either way you were intrigued and smiled back at him for being so strange. He was more complex than you could've ever imagined.

 

Kurloz POV

 

You were resting against the counter when Kankri was pacing back and forth in a heated conversation.

You rested your head in your hands as you watched him, amused at the different faces he would make. Your attention was more so on him rather than on his conversation, until you heard your name. You smirked as Kankri called you his friend, that was a first. It was nice to hear even though you knew none of this was real.

Moments like these- they weren't real to you. Because they would all vanish in a matter of time, the least you could do was amuse yourself with what you've got in this one good moment.

Kankri's face changed and he suddenly looked upset. You focused in on the conversation now, wondering what was said.

 

"But Porrim, I don't understand? Why should I-" Kankri stopped mid-sentence and you heard muffled talking from the other side of the phone.

Your face blanched as you heard the name.

Porrim.

"But Porrim!" Kankri was biting his lip with furrowed brows and he looked so frustrated. You looked at him and stood up and put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. He looked up at you for a moment then rested his other hand on yours. That was his only reaction as he focused his attention back to the phone.

"I can't just leave, Porrim. Me and Kurloz are-" Once again Kankri bit his lip after being cut off from his sentence. There he goes with that name again. You tried to ignore the burning feeling in your chest, your brows furrowed trying hard to block out that name.

"Why would you resort to that?! You know I'm done with him! Neither you or him know how to get here, so don't bother! I won't stay here for long, you're going to be back soon enough and I'll gladly do as you say." Kankri looked mad now, and what he said confused and upset you. You knew he was talking to Porrim, you knew what she was probably saying to Kankri.

You were trying desperately to ignore that dreadful feeling in your gut. Your thoughts sent shivers down your spine and you wrapped your arms around Kankri. You needed to distract yourself right now and focused on Kankri who relaxed in your arms.

Kankri pulled the phone away from his ear and crossed his arms after the other hung up on him. You felt him shake slightly from tapping his foot repeatedly and so you lifted your hand and gave him a gentle pat on his head.

"Ugh! Kurloz! This isn't the time to be doing this!" Kankri swatted your hand away and pulled out of your embrace. You folded your arms, together seeking warmth. What made Kankri so upset? What did Porrim tell him?

You signed to him with a confused look and although he didn't know exactly what you signed, he knew what you meant, you were confused.

 

"My friend Porrim is not happy about me staying here, she's adamant that I go back to Cronus. I just can't handle that! I have no idea what her problem is!" Kankri sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

That name struck another nerve in your head and you stared at the ground, thoughts began to cloud your mind. This couldn't be the same Porrim, it isn't. You told yourself this despite how incredibly untrue this was. Maybe if you told yourself that, then it would be true.

You looked up at Kankri and signed a name. He gave you a look, raising his brow. You forgot who you were dealing with here, so you grabbed his phone and quickly typed into it,

'Maryam?'

Kankri read the message and nodded. "Why? Do you know her?"

Of course you know her, what a stupid question.You know Porrim Maryam. You know Kanaya Maryam. And you knew Mrs. Maryam.

Back when Porrim was a little girl, before the piercings and tattoos, before the feminine appearance she now struts, that's the Porrim you used to call friend. You loved talking to her and she loved talking to you. She was close like a sister, a tough 'stronger than any boy you've ever seen' kind of girl.

You'll never forget Porrim, she plagued your mind most days.

"Did something happen between you two? What's wrong?" You were brought out of your thoughts when Kankri rested his hand on your shoulder. You flinched away from him and headed towards your bedroom, closing the door behind you and sat in your bed.

It was dark in your room, you hated it. What bothered you the most was the small light that the window casted into the corner of your room. The room was dimly lit, casting a golden hue.

You wanted to just disappear right now, you wanted to be alone with these kinds of thoughts. Grabbing a pillow, you buried your face into it, your legs against your chest as you curled into yourself.

When Gamzee was all you could see down the dark corridor, frozen in place, it was confusing to see. It was the middle of the night, you would both surely get in trouble for being awake this late at night. Even though you just came out for a glass of water, you knew if you got caught there would be consequences. Last time this happened you were grounded for two weeks.

You took a few quiet steps towards your brother. "You're gonna get in trouble, Gamzee." You whispered to him, but he stood their unfazed. What was he even looking at? That was the opening to the den, you noticed. But there wasn't anything interesting there, what was Gamzee looking at with that dumbfounded look on his face? There was just the dumb fireplace and expensive furniture your dad didn't like you sitting in.

You were about to leave Gamzee in the corridor to get in trouble on his own, but the sound of something high pitched got your attention. What was that? Who was that?

Suddenly interested in whatever your brother was looking at, you tiptoed over to him, the dim light from the room in front of him now casted a dark gold color.

Your blue eyes met deep green and you stared back in shock. She was looking at you and Gamzee, her usually pale face was red and her hands were clawing at the huge ones around thin long neck.

The high pitched noises that came from her as she failed to take in any air was like nothing you've ever heard before.

Tears began to fall from her eyes and the hands around her neck began to tremble from the pure force that was used to strangle her. A series of short failed gasps flooded your ears before everything was silent. Her body was limp as her hands that were clawing at the ones around her neck fell limp, hanging off the side of the leather sofa. Her eyes were still open, staring at you.

You felt another pair of eyes staring at you and you quickly averted your eyes from the blank green ones and looked up at dark blue.

He put a finger to his lips white painted lips, telling you to be quiet.

And everything is quiet, everything is dark. The strangled cries invaded your ears and you clenched the pillow closer, digging your face deeper.

"I know you can't answer me, but can you at least look at me?" You are quickly brought out of your own thoughts by the soft voice. You hated that voice, you hated the warmth of it.

Quickly you shook your head into the pillow, you just want her to go away.

She put her hand on your shoulder and you tensed. The pit in your stomach only got deeper and deeper as you were brought lower and lower by her warm touch.

You quickly flinched away from her touch, you can't deal with her anymore. Why did she always have to do this to you?

"I... I don't understand what happened. Things will be okay, Kurloz. I just want to make sure you're alright." Her fucking voice was so soft and you hated it, you hated how she never left you alone.

Her warm arm wrapped around your back and you snapped your head up from the pillow.

"I'm sorry, I just-" In a flash, you pushed her onto the bed, your hands wrapped around her neck.

There was a frightened cry as soft hands gripped your own. They were warm around your wrists and you stared down at the burgundy eyes below you. He looked up at your own, his eyes are wide and they looked so confused. He didn't look frightened or frantic, but worried and confused. His eyes confused you.

You stared back at him, your hands were slack around his warm neck and you just remembered they were even wrapped around him.

You slowly rubbed circles around his throat with your thumbs and you suddenly felt calm. His wide eyes reduced to heavy lidded and looked back at you, this was actually happening. That look completely entranced you and dispersed the emptiness from your stomach, and the clouded fuzz from your mind.

His eyes widened within a second and quickly pushed your hands away. He sat up on the bed, you were no longer towering over him.

"Why did you do that?!" Kankri rubbed his neck with his hands and raised his shoulders, an attempt to block your stare from his now red neck. Your hands gripped the blankets below you to make sure this was actually happening. You stared at his blushing face and tense posture and those burgundy eyes stared back at your own. You realized this was actually happening and Kankri was alright, staring at you without any sign of fright.

You reached for him and pulled him close to you. You didn't want him to leave you, this wasn't something that'd ever happened to you before. You couldn't let him leave you after this.

"Kurloz! Stop doing that, you can't just invade my personal space like that!" His voice was shaky and nervous more than they were threatening. It warmed your stomach when his tense shoulders slacked and he didn't move away from you. It brought a smile to your face. He lifted his hand and tousled your messy black hair and your smile widened, you haven't felt like this in a while.

"You're so strange, I really don't understand your tendencies." Kankri's voice wasn't angry or frightened at all and it was so unreal. You turned your head and smiled at him and he returned it with a smirk and you could see just how amused he was.

This was perfect, this never happened before and you were astonished with how this played out. Kankri was fine, you were fine. For once you didn't lose control and everything was fine.


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm just saying, if hypothetically, I had central pain syndrome, thyroid surgery, or a swollen lymph node, that could've been not only triggering, but physically painful. You have to take these things into consideration before you touch someone. Especially think of this before acting on impulse..." Kankri hadn't stopped lecturing you on your impulsive behavior this morning, he kept on going seeing as you couldn't respond. Not like you would want to interrupt him, no you preferred to listen to him. Or at least pretend to listen, occasionally dozing off at the show on the flat screen TV.

Right now when you two were sitting on the sofa and the television's background noise, Kankri was explaining all of the possibilities why invading someone's space- specifically touching the neck- could be triggering. All of his examples were 'hypothetical' and you waited for him to finally get to the point on how you triggered him personally but he would keep going on.

So you tuned out of the show you'd been watching- but not listening to- and turned to Kankri, typing something into your phone. You tapped him on the shoulder before showing him the screen.

'Why was it triggering for you exactly?'

Kankri read the message and his eyes widened and he frowned, thinking of something to say.

"That's because... The neck isn't... MY neck isn't... Hmm..." He brought his hand to his chin, trying to find the right words. He was so funny, probably didn't even have a reason to be triggered. He couldn't even explain why his neck was a triggering place.

Finally he huffed in frustration, guess he didn't know how to say it. "Well how would you feel if someone did that to you?! I shouldn't have to explain myself any further, if you really-" If that's how he wanted to do this, then so be it.

You grabbed his hand and put it on your neck and looked at him unimpressed. He looked back at you a bit speechless, surprised you would actually try to prove to him wrong.

He pulled his hand back with a flustered face and you smirked at what he was going to say.

"That is not the same! To catch someone off guard, and with BOTH hands wrapped around the neck, it's a whole different-" this time you grabbed both his hands and put them around your neck and looked at him with a cheeky grin. It was pretty fun messing with him.

"Now tell me this isn't triggering for you! Because I'm sure-" You shook your head no, and he looked at you frustrated, his hands still around your neck to reenact the triggering event. He began to rub your throat with his thumbs as you did to him earlier.

"Now this is what you did, right on the center near my jugular. It's one of the most vulnerable spots you can touch, you must understand how I felt now." He gave you a look as his thumbs continued to rub and you laughed at him silently.

'I think you were overreacting.' You typed into your phone and he huffed, pulling his hands away.

"Well if I am to stay with you then I would expect you to know and understand my triggers. Otherwise I might as well take up Porrim on her offer." He crossed his arms and gave you a rather expectant look but was caught off guard as you pull him into an embrace. He'd stopped making a fuss over it after about the fourth time it happened. Now he just huffed against your chest as you patted his head with your hand.

"You're not going to stop doing this are you?" He's given up and returned the embrace an you shook your head no. "Then I'll amuse you and let this continue, so long as you promise not to touch my triggering areas, okay?" He pulled back from the embrace and looked at you after giving you the offer. You shrug your shoulders and signed an 'OK', not really minding it, at least you could invade his space in this way.

"Then I'll gladly stay with you for as long as you want." Kankri finally gave you a small smile.

"The only obstacle would be... Her." Kankri looked deep in thought, bringing his hand to his chin. You were thankful he refrained from using her name. You've already had one reminder today and you didn't need another one... But you couldn't help but wonder...

As your mind slowly grew a little foggy, you slowly pulled Kankri back into a hug, resting your head on his. His eyes looked up and he was silent for a second. He seemed to notice your change of mood from your body language. He reached up his arm above your head and gently patted your hair. You closed your eyes and sighed.

"... Kurloz?" Upon hearing Kankri's voice, you opened your eyes halfway and buried your face more into his dark brown hair.

"... I really care about you. I'm sorry that I upset you sometimes." His voice was soft and quiet, his hand still slowly combed through your hair, untangling and unrolling the tight curls.

You smiled wide and closed your eyes again, leaning into his hand that ran through your hair so slowly. Your arms that were wrapped around his shoulders tightened. For once you felt safe from your thoughts, you felt safe around Kankri and you didn't have to constantly block out things in your head.

Kankri's chuckle vibrated against your chest. "I'm going to have to go out soon. Can't stay like this for long." This time you huffed and buried your face in the crook of his neck, not wanting him to leave you just yet. This was your safe zone.

"Kurloz- my triggers!" Kankri's voice cracked nervously, his skin burning up. Oh right, you agreed you would acknowledge his triggers- forgot about that.

You pulled away from him and rubbed your chest to say sorry. Kankri adjusted the collar of his shirt with a blush. "You're too affectionate! I have limits!" Kankri scolded you with a flushed face and you just couldn't take him seriously. You laughed silently and typed something into your phone and showed him.

'Sorry friend :o) couldn't help myself, I don't want you to leave'

Kankri's shoulders lowered from their protective barrier from his neck as he spoke, "I'm sorry, I'll be back in about half an hour, that's not a lot of time. All I need to grab is some clothes for now." Kankri looked to the side, tilting his head trying to think of what else he should get that would be necessary for a few nights with Kurloz.

You got his attention back to you when you typed into your phone and showed him the screen.

'Can I come with you?'

Kankri looked a little against that idea. "That probably won't be the best idea. I'd rather go alone." He turned down your offer politely, but that wouldn't stop you quite yet.

'What if you need someone to carry your things?'

"Oh don't worry about that, it won't be too much to bring. I wouldn't bring what's more than necessary." He turned down this idea as well, but you quickly typed again.

'What if Cronus gives you a hard time?'

You saw Kankri raise an eyebrow and had a somewhat amused expression. "The only thing I'm sure he'll do is pester me for leaving him. I wouldn't want to waste any of my time trying to explain myself to him." Kankri stood up from the couch and stretched. You sat up, watching him.

"No need to worry, I'll be back." You watched as he walked to the door and grabbed his jacket and shoes. You felt your stomach churning with a sudden rise of anxiety. You knew he would come back, so you didn't know why you felt so anxious. You were excited about him staying over for a while, you were excited to have someone like this with you, so just watching him leave gave you a bad feeling though you knew you were overreacting.

"I'll see you soon!" Kankri waved at you before leaving out the front door. You watched him leave and held your knees to your chest. After being with company for a while, the silence that greeted your ears was unpleasant.

You opened up your phone and decided to text Mituna to pass the time.

':o)'

It only took a few seconds for Mituna to reply which wasn't uncommon. He was always on his phone and never missed a text.

'SUP KURLOZ!'

'Hi best friend :o) guess what?'

'Whats hapening?'

'I got a new friend :o) his name's Kankri'

It took a minute or two for Mituna to reply this time.

'Latula says she knows that guy. She says she feels bad for him now'

You were about to reply but he quickly added,

'OMG she didnt want me to tell u that'

':o? Why'd she say that?'

It didn't really bother you since you always had a feeling she didn't like you. You were indifferent, as long as she let Mituna hang out with you, you were happy.

It took Mituna some more minutes to text back. You weren't too concerned since it wasn't uncommon for him to get a little distracted into the conversation.

You sighed, you were the one that needed to be distracted. Usually when you had nothing to keep you busy, you would be texting Meulin nonstop.

You exhaled and slumped your shoulders. That was out of the question. You wouldn't dare try to contact Meulin seeing how mad she was the other day. Of course she's mad, you don't know if she'll ever forgive you. You don't know if you even wanted her forgiveness or not. She hated you and you hated yourself too.

At that point you just discarded your phone for the time being. It would take everything in you to not text Meulin.

 

Kankri's POV

After about a ten minute drive, you parked your car outside of Cronus' apartment building. The snow was still covering the ground, though as you walked by you noticed it was significantly smaller than the amount you remember last time being here.

The walk up to Cronus' apartment was tedious and left you a bit nervous. You knew you could handle this, but you just couldn't help but feel anxious at seeing Cronus again after your argument yesterday. You weren't worried about anything right now, you had a newfound confidence and would steel yourself through anything that would come your way.

You put your key in the lock and opened the door and stepped inside. As soon as you did, you could hear Cronus' voice coming from the bedroom. You closed the door shut and took off your boots and jacket and were greeted by the warm air. You felt a tinge of sadness at the familiarity of your surroundings. This could be the last time you see this place and the thought hurt you.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But I still love him, that night doesn't change anything.... I will, I promise, I'll convince-" As you entered the room, Cronus turned to look at you and stopped mid sentence. He looked surprised to see you, but then a wide smile came to his face.

"Kan, I'm so happy you came back!" Cronus walked over to you and you knew what was about to happen, you knew he was about to hug you and you tensed. You wanted to take a step back but your mind went blank and you couldn't move.

When he wrapped his arms around you, you remained tense. When he pulled away, he kept his arm around you, hand on your waist.

"Yeah, Porrim, he came back." He held the phone back to his ear and you glared at the phone. You can't believe Porrim really did call Cronus after all! And by the way he was talking so calmly to her you don't think she was even giving him a hard time. Just yesterday she was comforting you, telling you how he didn't deserve you and calling him an asshole, but right now on the phone she had nothing bad to say to him?

You grew angry as you came out of his grasp and picked up your book bag from the ground and headed towards the closet.

"Yes, I'll make sure he does. I'll talk to him, don't worry.... Okay I'll tell him that too.. Hey Kan, what're you doing?" Cronus' eyes turned to you, the phone still to his ear.

You were taking clothes off of hangers and shoving them into your bag. Thankfully there was a decent amount of room. Without looking back at him you answered, "What does it look like? I'm grabbing my things and then I'm going to leave." Your voice was unwavering but quiet. You grimace at how timid you sounded. You wanted to be stern and confident but you just couldn't talk to Cronus that way. This was proving to be more difficult than you'd expected.

"Wait, what? You have no where else to go, why won't you just stay here with me?" Cronus sounded genuinely confused and you didn't dare turn around and look at him. Instead you continued packing your clothes with a deep determination to just get this over with.

You heard a muffled voice coming from the phone that you weren't able to hear before, Porrim must've been yelling into the phone and you felt nervous at what she must be saying.

"Y-yeah... I will, I'm just going to have to call you back, Porrim." Cronus hung up with a defeated voice. Your body tensed, ready to take whatever it is he'd say to try and convince you to stay.

"Kankri, just why are you leaving? Why can't you stay here and talk things out?" He walked behind you but you refused to look at him. You're pretty sure his face must be torn.

"Because last time we talked, it ended in an argument. I told you we're through. I don't want to be with you anymore, Cronus." Thankfully your voice was stern this time and you felt a little more confident with your answer. Until you heard Cronus' heavy breathing. You jerked your head around to see him holding his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry for not showing you how much you mean to me, I'm sorry I didn't treat you right!" His shoulders shuddered as he cried and you stared at him, shocked. "I-I just don't want to lose you, you mean so much to me. I love you, Kan. Please, you mean the world to me..." He looked up at you, wiping his eyes.

Those glossy eyes unravelled you completely and you felt your heart ache seeing him like this. The wounds you thought were healing were just torn open.

"Cronus..." You couldn't find the right words. You were so conflicted. There was so much guilt and sadness right now, but you still felt distant from him after how he treated you before.

"Please, forgive me Kan, just stay with me." Another tear rolled down his cheek and he looked at you with such desperation. You couldn't stand seeing him like this, no matter how mad you were you had such a soft spot for him.

You dropped your bad and wrapped your arms around him and he held you tightly.

"Just stop crying, Cronus." Your voice was low, almost a whisper. He held you tightly and you could feel him shaking, unable to speak from crying. You rubbed his back and ran your fingers through his slicked back hair. "It'll be alright, just calm down." You comforted him and held him equally as tight.

He sniffled and finally he spoke with a shaky voice, "Will you stay with me?" You were quiet for a second, thinking of how to answer this, then answered. "I don't know yet. We have a lot of things to sort out before I can give you a straight answer." You slowly pulled away to look at him.

"I'll talk to you about anything you want, please just stay here with me." You looked at him with doubt in your eyes. You couldn't find it in yourself to smile at him. You didn't want to stay with him, you didn't want to lie to him and tell him that you still loved him.

When he leaned in and his lips met yours, you didn't pull away, frozen in place. He pulled away slowly, his hands on your hips. You looked back into his own, your face was stern. You didn't want to be so close.

"Kan... I want to show you how much you mean to me. I love you so much." Cronus leans in to kiss you again on the lips, again you let him. You just couldn't pull away from him, you knew how much this might mean to him. He kisses down to your jaw and you grip the back of his shirt, your mouth opening to say something, anything. But you're frozen when his lips travel down to your neck.

The sharp intake of breath gave away your shock but that doesn't deter him. "C-Cronus, you should stop." Your voice is weak and shaky. Despite your protest, he continues kissing your neck. Despite what you've told him in the past about how triggering touching your neck was.

You gasp and your hands grip his shirt tighter when he sucks at your neck, pulling back and running his tongue up and down your throat.

"Cronus.." You mean to sound threatening but it came out as a whimper.

His hands on your waist are now pulling up your shirt, his lips move down to your collar bone. You have to stop this before it goes too far. "Cronus, what are you doing?" You pull back from him panting, your face is red and your eyes half lidded.

"I'm showing you what you mean to me." His voice is low and he's looking at you with dark eyes. He pulls you closer, his lips on your ear. His breath sending shivers down your spine. "I want to show you that you're mine." He whispered into your ear.

You shiver when he nibbles your ear. You haven't lost your senses yet and you take a step back. He takes a step forward and you you step even further, but the back of your knees hit the bed and you fall onto the mattress. When Cronus straddles your hips, and bent over you, you curl into yourself.

"C-Cronus, I'm not ready for this." You whisper with a shaky voice. His eyes are glossed over and half lidded. The way he looks at you is triggering something within your stomach. Your neck is red and burning hot, you haven't even recovered after his abuse on your neck.

"Kan, I love you." He whispered and caresses your cheek, running down your jaw and to your neck. You lean into his touch and close your eyes. You're lost with the sensation at your neck. Cronus' other hand is rubbing circles at your hip with your shirt exposing your stomach and his hand wanders down and rubs your crotch. Your eyes shoot open and you look back at Cronus. It takes everything in you to not move your hips.

His hand is pressing onto your crotch but you crave friction. He's smirking down at you. "You look like you really want something..." You glare at him, you feel weak and angry at how he's melting you.

"Tell me what you want, Kanny." He's now rubbing you through your pants and you stifle a moan. He's teasing you when he stops.

"Cronus..." Your voice is threatening and you're glaring at him. You've given in at this point, too focused on his touch.

"What do you want?" He leans over and whispered in your ear and his hands press harder, making you moan. You're embarrassed at the noise you make, but it only motivates Cronus further.

"You know what I want..." Your voice is quiet, embarrassed. He smirks down at you still and his hand presses against you and rubs harder. This time you move your hips against him, needing more friction.

"You look so good like this Kanny." He licks his lips and you avert your gaze and blushed. Having him look at you this way only makes you harder. You don't even argue when he unbuttons your pants and pull them down, you sit up and take them off and throw them to the floor. You wrap your arms around Conus' neck and kiss him, tongue invading his mouth in a heated passionate kiss.

When he folds his legs as he sits, you crawl onto his lap, never breaking the kiss. He moans into the kiss when you grind your hips against him. The sounds he makes is completely turning you on even more. His hands run up your shirt and he's cupping your pecs and rubbing your nipples. You stifle a moan as you continue to kiss him, his hands working magic on your chest.

His hands pull away to take your shirt off, then his own. Once his upper half is bare, he gently lays you down, head on a pillow. He takes off his jeans, kicking them aside onto the floor joining the rest of your discarded clothes. Your heart beats fast as you watching him put his hands on either side of your head on the pillow and grinds his hips down on you. The hardness you felt from him against your own brought a moan to your lips and you move your hips against his.

"Cronus... Just touch me already... I-I need it!" You're so impatient right now and your body is demanding more contact.

"If... That's... What you want." He panted between his words and ceased his grinding against you. His hand makes it's way into your underwear and wraps around your cock, pumping it. You close your eyes and bite your lip at the newfound pleasure. You've never felt this before, you've never even touched yourself before. You had to remain pure, but that has vacated your mind.

"This is gonna feel weird at first." He warns you as his hand moves lower and inserted a finger slowly into you. You're still panting and you furrow your brows at the new feeling. It didn't hurt or feel good, it was stance and foreign. When he moves his finger you shift uncomfortably but he kisses your forehead and uses his other hand to jerk you off, distracting you from his now two fingers that were moving in and out of you at a slow pace.

There's a burning sensation in your stomach and you feel like you're about to burst until Cronus took his hands off of you in favor of leaning to the edge of the bed and digging through the nightstand drawer for something and eventually took out a bottle. You give him a confused look and he opened the bottle and lather his hard on with it.

"I'm not gonna go in dry Kanny." He chuckles at you and you blush, averting your gaze. His fingers hook under your underwear and takes them off until they're dangling on one of your ankles. He takes off his own and continues to rub the clear liquid into himself.

You watch as he lined his himself up to your hole and slowly pushed in. You cringed when he inserted the tip but quickly your legs wrapped around him, heels digging into his back, pushing harder as he went in deeper. The stretch made you uncomfortable and pained you.

"Cronus- it hurts." You whine, looking up at him with glossy eyes. He's biting his lip, trying to hold himself back. "It'll feel good in a few, Kan." He waits a few seconds for you to adjust then moves his hips at a slow pace.

He was wrong, and it continued to hurt. He'd only prepared you with two finger before, you think that's what brought this pain, you weren't completely ready. When he pushes as deep as he can in one thrust, you cry out. "C-Cronus... It doesn't feel good." Your voice is shaky and nervous but he doesn't stop thrusting, albeit slowly. "I said don't worry." He shushes you, too interested in thrusting into you, insisting that things will get better.

But it's been a few minutes and you still didn't feel good. The pain had lessened but you still felt uncomfortable. It only felt worse when he speeds up his thrusts, panting heavily above you. He takes you legs and put them over your shoulder, allowing him to go deeper with the new angle.

It feels strange now, the warming sensation in your abdomen returned and you gasped. As he thrusted faster and faster you began to feel pleasure. Your face contorted showing your change in mood, moaning quietly.

He's grunting above you, hips jerking into you with an extreme pace and a certain thrust hit something in you that made you gasp aloud and clutch the sheets on either side of you.

"Fuck..." He muttered as you clench against him each time he hit that spot in you. Your moans getting louder with each thrust.

He lowers his head to kiss and lick your neck. He bites hard onto the nape of your neck, latching on as he thrusts sporadically into you. His pace is faster than before and his teeth sink even deeper and you wonder if he's broken skin yet.

"Cronus!" You moan his name, and you hear his muffled cries against your neck. Suddenly he thrusts deep in you and and cries out. The feeling of him so deep in that spot makes you moan louder than anytime before and you come, spurting into your chest. He's jerking his hips against you as he rides out his orgasm. You feel him emptying himself into you as you're coming down from your orgasm.

He stays still above you, panting heavily, making sure you take every last drop. When he pulled out you gasp at the sudden empty feeling after being stretched so much.

He flops down next to you panting. "Kan, that felt so fucking good." He's smirking at you but you can't say you feel the same way. You look him in the eye with a blank face, your chest is falling up and down with your heavy breathing. Then you turn your head away. Cronus lifts the blankets over you both as he moves closer, hands around your hips and he drifts off to sleep.

The few minutes are quiet. Although you were tired and your muscles needed sleep, you didn't feel right beside Cronus. You didn't feel right with his arms wrapped around you. You stay away for a few more minutes before sleep overtook you and in that moment you forget who's next to you.

__________________________

When you open your eyes you were met with darkness. How long have you been asleep? You sit up and rub your eyes but flinch at the pain you feel in your rear end. You remembered what you'd done before falling asleep and your heart fell. You suddenly felt dirty.

The first thing you thought to do was go in the shower. When you did your muscles relax under the heat of the water. You just stand there with the water falling against your head. You think about what happened before. It's probably been hours since the sun is down. You remember the dim light glowing through the curtain when you were taken by Cronus. When he showed you how much he loved you. You think love hurts after what you've done.

It's been a long few minutes before you actually start lathering yourself with soap and cleaning the rest of your body.

The relaxing warmth of the hot water only made you more tired until you turned off the water and stepped out, wrapping a towel around you.

When you entered the bedroom, Cronus was still asleep thankfully. In the dark room there was only one illumination in the room and you walk over to it on the nightstand. You squint, adjusting your eyes.

You had so many messages and you scroll through them. When you look at who they were from, your eyes widened in panic. Kurloz messaged you like crazy. You looked at the time displayed on your phone and rubbed your temples in distress. 12AM.

When did you come here? In the afternoon? You rushed to the closet where you bag was on the floor and you pulled some clothes from the bag. You rushed, trying to be quiet as to not wake Cronus up.

When you had everything on, you held your bag and rushed to the front door where you put your shoes and jacket on. When you were outside and got into your car, you drove at the speed limit, tapping your foot at red lights, impatient.

It was a quarter to 1 when you finally arrived at the apartment complex and rushed up to Kurloz' room. You didn't knock in fear of waking him up if he was asleep. You tested if the door was locked before you thought about knocking. It was unlocked, you don't know if you should be irritated that Kurloz never locked his door or thankful it was unlocked this one time, just your luck.

The TV is on at a low volume and the lights are still on. You take off your shoes and coat and put down your bag. Your eyes land on Kurloz who is sprawled out on the couch, asleep. He has his hand on his chest and his face paint is smudged across his face. Like he'd ran his fingers over it.

You felt your nerves ease at seeing him. You walk over to the couch and knelt beside it. You dont know if you should wake him up or not. He sounded really worried in the texts he sent you, so maybe he would be relieved to see you.

You move your hand, hesitating at first. You were about to touch his shoulder when his eyes shot open. You're startled when he sits up fast. You lean back onto your knees and look up at him. He turns his head and looks at you with a confused expression.

"Hey- I'm sorry I didn't come earlier! I- I um.." You stuttered mid sentence, not knowing what to say. You don't know what to do, obviously an excuse is the best thing but you don't know what on earth you could say that would justify you coming back late.

Kurloz looks around frantically and found his phone on the floor beside the sofa, snatching it up and quickly typing into it.

'Did Cronus hurt you?'

You're surprised at his straightforwardness, but you're even more surprised at how true it is.

You open your mouth to say something but close it again. You are speechless, your mind is in a fog right now and you felt a flood of emotions and your eyes become watery.

Kurloz quickly steps down from the sofa and leans next to you and holds you close into an embrace. You can't hold it in and broke down in his arms, your cries are muffled from his shirt. He runs his hands through your dark brown hair and his other is rubbing your back. You only cry more remembering how you'd done the same to Cronus when he'd broken down.

You're holding him tight as your tears soaked his shirt. You hated how you wore your heart on your sleeve and allowed yourself to be unraveled so easily. But the comfort he gave you made you forget about what happened, albeit momentarily.

When your crying lessened to sniffles, you pulled back. His arms let go of your back and instead rubbed your shoulders. He looked at you with such concern it melted your heart. You were so thankful you had someone to go to at a time like this. You were so thankful you weren't left to your own devices until Porrim came back.

You rub your eyes that were now red and puffy from crying, and sniffled. "I-I'm sorry... I just... I'm just so stupid! I'm so weak and pathetic I couldn't do something as simple as packing clothes! I let him do those things to me- I wanted it..." You trailed off at the realization that Cronus hadn't even forced you, you wanted it. You actually begged for it, why would he stop when you didn't want it to stop?

Your body is shaking, suddenly you felt cold and physically weak. Your body was sore after the events tonight but now you were sore and weak and just sad.

Kurloz hugs you once more and then takes his phone from the couch and typed, showing you the screen.

'It's okay. You're not weak and you're not pathetic. I'm sorry about what happened, but that doesn't make you weak or stupid. He took advantage of you because he knows you're not in a good place right now. You did nothing wrong.'

You read what he wrote and you tried to hold back more tears. He was wrong, Cronus didn't take advantage of you, you gave yourself to him. You're the one in the wrong, you didn't have any self control.

All you could do is shake your head no, causing him to give you a sad look. You try to speak but the shakiness of your voice makes your words barely clear.

"It's all my fault! It's all my fault... He didn't take advantage of me, I let him, I gave my body to him!" You held your face in your hands and cried again. It was a silent cry this time, all your energy had been drained. Kurloz held you close and you cling to him, burying your face in his shoulder.

Your tears wet his shirt again and you'd be embarrassed about it but right now you didn't really care. You didn't realize how lucky you were to have someone like Kurloz with you, especially at this time. He holds you so close, warming you and easing your shaky body.

After a few minutes had passed you were a weak and hopeless mess. Your crying had stopped but you clung to him, and he didn't complain. Even after you still haven't moved for what felt like hours, he doesn't move away. Instead he continues to hold you and rub your back.

Your body was too tired right now to conjure up the energy to move or cry so instead you let the warmth of being in Kurloz' arms envelope you, soothing you into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me start by apologizing for being a few days late! I believe this chapter is a bit longer so it took me a little more time to write. Thank you for being patient!
> 
> Kankri's pants commented that they have a feeling they were going to be taken off at some point. Now is that point, you were right! You should prepare to be discarded onto the floor at a few points in the story, hope you enjoyed!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been taking a few days longer to post today's chapter and the last chapter because there both considerably long. So I guess quality over quantity sort of applies here!
> 
> Something I've been wanting to say is that I'm very aware of the faults in my writing -I won't mention what they are because I don't want to bring attention to them- and with this fanfic I'm really given time to improve, so I'd like to formally apologize for any of my crappy mistakes and shortcomings.
> 
> ABOUT THE STORY: I've been including lots of psychological stuff in the past chapters and this one, I just want to say that if you're confused by anything, it will be touched on in the future.  
> With the way I've been writing and the amount of words, I'm fearing that I could quite possibly exceed 50,000 words, at most even 70,000. What do you guys think about long stories like this?
> 
> ALSO IMPORTANT: I will be changing my username once or twice until I get a feel for the right one, my picture also may change so just remember the story's title, my name will be changing! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy and sorry for this long note  
> TW: this chapter contains really dark situations so as a warning, without spoiling, just know that this is going to be a darker take on things.

When your eyes flutter open, you're greeted by the dim golden light leaking in from the half open curtains. You're in Kurloz' bed again. You turn to look next to you to see the blanket was all made perfectly with you in the middle. You wonder if Kurloz ever slept in his own bed, does he even sleep at all?

You ask yourself this question as you stretch your limbs in the bed and slowly sit up and slide out from beneath the two layers of blankets. You walk out down the short hall and into the kitchen which connects to the living room. Kurloz isn't in either the living room nor the kitchen. You yawn and rub your eyes and you just noticed how tired and puffy your eyes were from last night.

You walk back down the hall and seethe bathroom door was open, Kurloz wasn't in there. You peek in and see the pristine tiles that were free from glass. The window had been fixed and it looks as if there was never a bloody mess in the first place. You got to hand it to him, he sure took care of things fast. You guess his moods really do change that quickly.

You walk back to the room and dig your toothbrush out of the bag and walk into the bathroom. You pass the time cleaning yourself up and taking a short shower which felt like heaven on your strained muscles. Once you step out and dry yourself off, you decide to put on your favorite red sweater and black tights. You actually have multiple red sweaters that Porrim made you, all were unique with their own stitch pattern, thickness, shade of red and softness. This one happens to be your favorite because of the ribbed stitch and how incredibly soft it was.

You take your phone from the nightstand and sit back onto the bed. The time is around 9 o'clock and you had only two messages from Porrim. It was sent around 3AM saying she just got off of the plane. The other one says that she can't wait to see you.

She didn't sound mad like last time, which you feel less stressed about. But when she says she can't wait to see you, you can't help but feel nervous that she would come and pick you up. She doesn't know this address though, so she couldn't come so soon. That thought eased your nerves and you wonder if you should text back. You don't know what you should say.

So instead you text Kurloz.

'Hello Kurloz, where are you?'

You hold your phone for a few seconds to see if Kurloz read the message. The notification that he read it hadn't popped up yet so you just take your phone with you when you got up and walked to the kitchen. You open the double door refrigerator to see what there was to eat. Despite the large amount of space, there wasn't that much to eat. You take out the carton of milk and a box of cereal from next to the fridge.

You took your bowl of cereal to the counter and ate in silence. Thankfully you had your view of the TV from here as you turned it on and flipped through the channels while chewing your food.

Damn did you feel like a freeloader right now. You kind of are a freeloader actually. You're a lot of things that you're not proud of. There's a growing depression within you and you slumped your shoulders. Maybe Porrim coming back wasn't such a bad thing. At least you would have another person to talk to. Well, someone you can actually talk to, in the sense that she can talk back.

Once you finished your breakfast, you sprawl across the couch, lazily watching the images in front of you on the Television screen. You never knew how depressing being alone could be. You haven't been left alone in a long time actually. Being all alone right now felt kind of foreign, it was a feeling you didn't want to get used to.

You were there in front of the TV for at least half an hour when you heard a few bangs on the font door. It startles you and you quickly stand up from the couch and over to the door. You look through the peephole on the door which was a littler higher than you could reach so you have to be on the tips of your toes. You see the green tinted ebony hair and realize it is Porrim. You panic a bit, how did she get here?!

You can't keep her waiting any longer seeing how mad she looked through the hole. You open the door and she quickly steps inside. She looks as intimidating as ever when her eyes scan the place. You notice her face is more than just an intimidating glare. She looks genuinely angry right now.

She doesn't look at you, too busy scanning the place in case someone decided to show up. "Where is he?" Her voice is so cold and stern that you feel the fear rise within you.

"He's not here. I woke up and he was gone. How did you know-" You close the front door softly and look up at her, but then she interrupts you.

"Meulin gave me the address. Do you know where he is?" This time she looks at you with those angry jade green eyes. You respond quick, "I don't know where he is, he hasn't answered his phone."

She turns to look at you and instead of intimidating she looks at you sternly. She looks like a disappointed mother and it brought you shame more than anything else. "Kankri, why are you here with him? Please, do amuse me." She crosses her arms as she looks down at you expectantly. Although her voice is hard and bitter, she doesn't sound as mad as she did a few seconds ago.

You're quiet for a moment. Your hands are fiddling with each other as you ponder over what to say. Porrim is patient and looking at you expectantly. Should you tell her everything? No, that wouldn't be fair to Kurloz.

"Well... Um... I met him at a park on Christmas. And um... We talked. Well, he can't talk, but-"

"Yes, he does talk." She cut you off like she did before over the phone. You suppose she only does this when she's angry, you'd just found out recently since you've never seen her so mad before. When you really think about it, it's strange seeing this whole other side of her, your closest friend. Suddenly you feel so insignificant.

You're confused for a second, you don't understand what she's saying.

"He doesn't talk to me, he's mute." You inform her of this, wondering why she would say something like that. He obviously was mute so what was Porrim going on about?

"Do you know why he doesn't talk?" Her voice is rising and becoming cold. Her eyes were no longer a soft disappointing glare but instead hard and intimidating. You open your mouth to speak, but how are you suppose to respond to that? It's a question you've been wanting to know ever since you met him. You feel a tinge of guilt talking about him behind his back, you're feeling guilty that Porrim's talking so badly about him.

Seeing how silent you got from lack of knowing the answer, she speaks. "Why doesn't he talk? He's fucking talked before! But then he suddenly shuts up! He decides to ruin my life and won't even tell me why!" You flinch as she raised her voice, but what scares you is how her eyes are filled with unshed tears.

"He's fucked up my entire life and won't even tell me why!" She can't hold back any longer and cried. She tried desperately to wipe them away without ruining her makeup. You're shocked and frightened, you've never seen her like this before and it was so unsettling. You want so desperately to comfort her but you have no idea what to say, this was not a position you'd anticipated. You're shocked hearing all of this from her. The conflict of feelings tearing your mind apart, you don't know how to take in this information, what is the truth? Kurloz isn't a bad person, you can't find it in you to think otherwise. What really upsets you is your realization that could just be your naïveté thinking.

"Porrim...?" You put a hand on her shoulder and look up at her tear filled eyes. You hate seeing her like this, mostly because she is vulnerable. She isnt herself right now. She's so broken, you need to get answers from her to help comfort her.

"Porrim," you hesitate slightly, this is going to be a triggering question but you need to ask this, "please tell me what Kurloz has done to ruin your life? I didn't even know you knew him before..." Your voice is soft and you're sure you're being as gentle as you can to coax her to answer.

Porrim shakes her head, wiping under her eyes with a finger. Her mascara and eyeliner are still in sharp as ever, untouched with her swift precise . "Kankri, there are no words to describe everything that's happened. Please just take my word for it and leave with me." Although the tears stopped falling, her voice is shaky and she begins to sniffle in between words.

You're quiet. You furrow your brow, contemplating. Should you tell her everything that happened that Christmas Day? Why should you though? She doesn't want to explain herself so why should you explain your side? You shouldn't be as frustrated as you are right now.

"Why should I take your word for it?" You want to sound confident with your words but they came out as anything but challenging.

Porrim gives you a confused look, like she can't believe what you're saying. "What's wrong with you Kankri?! Why are you doubting me? I just broke down in front of you and you're asking me this?" Her face contorts to one of betrayal. You need to shoot back a retort before her temper rose and she would begin to cut you off.

"I'm not doubting you! I just don't think Kurloz is so bad that I shouldn't be near him! What he's done to you in the past, I'm sure he's really guilty about!" You find your own temper rising, you are heated and ready to prove yourself. You believe in what you're saying, you've seen how Kurloz is feeling, you've seen a lot that shows how he is.

Porrim looks at you with such disbelief. Her mouth open in shock before she spoke again, "Do you hear yourself right now?" Her voice is just above a whisper, she really can't believe what you're saying. "You just met him a few days ago and you suddenly have him all figured out? Is that how it is?" Her voice is still quiet and shocked but she is frowning with hurt in her eyes.

"I'm not claiming to have him all figured out!" Your voice is exasperated but softer than before. "I've just seen so much since I met him, things that I don't know if anyone else knows about." You should feel guilty right now, but there's no going back and you had to prove a point to her.

"I thought you would understand me after knowing me for over eight years, but I guess that I was wrong." Her voice isn't harsh anymore but her eyes give away her hurt and anger. If you didn't feel remorseful before, you did now.

"That's not it..." Your voice is weak and tired, your shoulders slump and you're feeling really stupid. Were you that full of yourself that you didn't consider your best friend's feelings?

"Listen, I've had enough being talked down. Are you coming with me or not?" Despite your argument, she still asks you to go with her, except this time it's an option. She's letting you choose unlike last time and that made it all the more harder.

When your phone brakes the silence with a sharp ringing in your ears, you're startled. You were about to hastily decline the call but Porrim grabbed your hand. She picks up your cell phone and checked who was calling. Apparently it wasn't who she expected and pressed decline for you.

"You better come up with a decision quick because he could be here any minute and I don't trust myself around him." She crosses her arms and watches you expectantly. Although her eyes are no longer filled with such resentment and sorrow, her face is tired and she looks exhausted. You feel bad for waring her out like this.

The phone began ringing again and Porrim glanced at the screen. "I expect an answer from you within five minutes. Now just answer your brother, he seems desperate if he had the nerve to call a second time." Her tone is back to its stern and steadiness and you feel somewhat relieved that the emotional shake in her voice was gone.

You quickly pick up and answer the phone, glad for a distraction. It was exactly what you needed when you're not in the right mind to make any decisions.

"Hello?" You turn your back to Porrim, answering the call, your voice quiet although you know Porrim would hear with how silent everything else is. You can imagine she's counting down the seconds.

The other side is silent despite the background sounds, you can't quite make out what they could be. Finally Karkat spoke. "Kankri, can you pick me up?" His voice is weak and you hear him sniffle. This took you completely out of your thoughts before and focused on your uncharacteristically quiet brother.

"What's wrong? Where are you?" You ask hastily over the phone, Karkat in turn takes a second before responding. "I'm at the hospital." He sounds desperate and weak, but most of all he sounds tired.

You're suddenly upright and you already feel your stomach churn with anxiety. "Why are you at the hospital?" You hear some muffled voices on the other end of the call and Karkat's hitched breath. "My friend is sick, he's in the emergency room. They're not listening to me and I can't stand being here any longer." Your brother's holding back tears, you can tell with the way his voice is shaking and his sharp intakes of breath.

You suddenly turn to Porrim who looks at you concerned. She must see and hear the urgency in your voice and the conversation before was set aside, at least for now. "Are you okay?" You ask directed more towards if he is hurt or anything. Just hearing that he is in the hospital set you off.

Karkat sighed and became impatient. "I'm fine! Just get over here! I'm in the psych ward, just ask where the evaluation rooms are and I'll be waiting out in the hall. Hurry up." With that rush of words he hung up hastily without giving you time to respond. Although he isn't physically in pain hearing he was in the psych ward unsettled you none the less, it just is worrying and unsettling knowing that your brother was in such a predicament.

You pull the phone away from your ear as the line goes dead. You knew it was under five minutes but you aren't worried about making any decisions right now.

"What's wrong with Karkat?" Porrim asks you as you rub your temples nervously. "Karkat said he's in the hospital for a friend and he needs me to pick him up." You don't sound worried but instead you're on edge. When you say it yourself, it doesn't sound too bad as you thought it was.

"I'm guessing this won't be the best time for you to make up your mind. When I leave, just know that you still have a decision to make and I won't let you forget it." Porrim squeezes your shoulder and you feel reassured to say the least. "Do you need a ride?" She offers to drive but you declined, "No need, I can drive there." She nods and you walk to the door grabbing your jacket and shoes.

When you walk out of the apartment building with Porrim, the cold wind makes you pull your jacket closer. Porrim walks to her car and turns to you. You look up at her green eyes and feel so guilty for causing her so much stress. You're fidgeting under her gaze, you just can't believe how ignorant and rude you've been.

"I don't want you to regret anything, Kanny. It's your decision but just know that I love and care about you." She leans down and places a kiss on your forehead before parting towards the parking lot. You watch her leave with a surge of guilt for being so rude to her today. For treating her so poorly, you decide to actually consider her offer.

You walk to your own car and turn it on. If it was cold outside then your car is freezing cold. You turn on the heat as you drive to the hospital in town to meet your younger brother.

It takes you some time to find a good parking space at the hospital since the building is so huge of course everything would be crowded. The only memories you have of this place are all in your childhood when Karkat bit off more than he could chew and broke a bone or two. He was always the rougher one between you two, he'd rather use his fists and you'd prefer to use your words.

You wonder where you'd have to go to get to the psych ward after going through the emergency room. You didn't even know this hospital had a psych ward. But when you think about it, it kind of made sense.

You locate the emergency room and enter that side of the building. Everything is white and pristine. The scent of sanitizer invades your nose and you feel out of place. You walk up to the front desk where an older woman greets you and asks how she can help you.

"Hello, my brother is in the evaluating room? Um, in the psych ward outside the evaluating room, I'm here to pick him up." You explain to her what your brother had told you and the woman nods and she nods towards a clipboard next to the desk.

"Sign your name and the name of who you're picking up. The social worker or nurse may want to talk to you before you're able to leave." You nod in understanding and pick up the pen and wrote your signature and your brother's name. The woman behind the desk turned to a nurse next to her and the nurse walked from behind the desk.

"Follow me." The nurse gestured for you to follow her as she swiped her card to a door and brought you through. She repeated this a few more times with each passing door before arriving at your destination. There was a hallway with a glass wall where the nurses can observe the few patients that were there.

The nurse led you out another door after swiping a card and you immediately heard yelling. Most of them were unfamiliar voices, probably of the nurses. When you looked down the hall you saw your brother pacing and biting his nails. You've only seen him like this in the more troublesome situations.

"Karkat." You call his name as you walk up the hall to him and his head darts up to look at you. He looks back at the cold door looking through the glass opening and his face contorted to fear instead of anxiety. He quickly looks away as you walked up to him.

"Are you okay?" When you finally get a good look at him you see the red bruises and scratches on his raised hands that were rubbing his tired eyes. The yelling had stopped when two nurses stepped out of the door and the sudden silence is eerie. You looked at the two male nurses that were looking in the door through the glass opening.

Seeing the nurses, Karkat's face changed within a flash and he glared daggers at the nurses. "What the fuck are you doing?! I told you not to leave them alone!" You have to grab Karkat's arm to stop him from bludgeoning his fists against the nurse's face. "Let go of me asshole!" Karkat pulls his arm desperately but you have to grab him with two hands now from the brute force he was using to try and escape.

"Calm down-" Karkat interrupts with a yell, "Don't you fucking tell me to calm down! I told you not to fucking let Gamzee in there with him! What don't you understand, asshole?!" The nurse looks nervous from Karkat's explosive voice.

"He's asked to be alone with him. I'm obligated to let them speak. If you want your friend to leave tonight then he's better off talking things out with his brother." The nurse informs Karkat with a calm voice but he looks cautious, ready to hold Karkat back if he resorts to actual violence. You wouldn't be surprised if it did come to that, your brother is spontaneous and explosive after all.

The other nurse speaks up, "I think he's calmed down." Karkat tenses up and quickly looks into the glass opening and you take a look as well.

You see someone with a mess of black hair, actually both of them sport a tangle of black hair. You come to a sudden realization at first glance. Is that Kurloz? He's kneeling down in front of the boy sitting in the corner of the room. He has a finger to his mouth, signing to be quiet. He looks angry at the boy who is shaking in the corner in front of him- the boy you assume to be Kurloz's brother. The boy's knees are against his chest and his arms are wrapped around them. When the other boy buries his face into his arms, Karkat loses it.

He rips out of your grip and grabs the handle of the door throwing it open. You reach out to stop him and you're just barely able to restrain him as he yells. "Get the fuck away from him!" His yelling brings Kurloz' attention from the boy and now to you and your brother. His irritated face pales into shock and you look at him with confusion.

"Excuse me." One of the nurses said and you move out of the nurse's way as he enters the room. Karkat is glaring at the nurse, you feel him tense in your strong grip. His eyes are glued onto the nurse, burning holes into the back if his shirt.

"If it's alright, you can sign your brother for inpatient treatment." Kurloz tugs at his brother's shirt as he stands up, the other stood up as well. His gaze at the ground. Kurloz shakes his head no, then signs to his brother.

"... He says to discharge me." The boy's voice is hoarse and you're surprised at how deep his voice is.

"What the fuck Gamzee?!" You huff in frustration and drag Karkat away from the doorframe and back into the hall with the other nurse. You never did have the tolerance for Karkat's cursing in public spaces.

"You're free to leave now, your friend will be discharged since we have consent from his guardian." The nurse seems eager for you and Karkat to leave. You'd be more than happy to comply, but now you're hesitant. You really do have many questions to ask, more so about Kurloz. What is he going to do now? His brother isn't doing well, not in the slightest. Will Kurloz be spending time with him? Your questions make you more anxious than necessary so you snapped out of it and did as the nurse suggested.

"Let's go Karkat." You tug on your brother's sleeve in the direction of which you came from a few minutes ago, just as Kurloz and his brother walked out of the small room with the nurse explaining things to them and guiding them farther down the hall.

Karkat is glaring at the retreating figure and you pull a little harder at his sleeve. The other nurse that stayed behind with you two is looking a bit impatient. Karkat huffs, his shoulders sink and he turns around to follow you down to the exit.

The nurse that is with you now swiped a card on more slots that opened doors just like before and guides you and Karkat down a few halls until you make it back to the emergency room.

 

Karkat stays silent beside you, glaring at the floor. He doesn't want to meet eyes with anyone, you know he only does that when he's upset. Not his usual anger and frustration, but plain sadness. Your hand is still holding on to him, but this time it is soft and more comforting than anything.

You sign the same paper you signed when you first came to the front desk, and made your way out, thanking the receptionist politely.

You kept looking over your shoulder at your brother but he still had his head down. As you two get in your car, you take a deep breath and looked at him.

"Can you tell me how all of this happened?" You are quite blatant when you spoke, you knew to take a straightforward approach, Karkat didn't like beating around the bush.

Surprisingly your brother is quiet and hesitant to speak. He is still averting his gaze, fixated on the dashboard of your car. You hear him sigh and spoke. "It's none of your business." He crossed his arms. Probably something he got from you.

"It kind of is my business since you're involved. And your wrists didn't look very well either, let me see them." Upon your request, Karkat lifts his wrists and looks at them himself. He looks surprised at the marks that were left there which was rather odd.

You reach your hand over to his wrist but he evades your grasp. "It's nothing! Now just hurry up and drive the hell out of here." Your brother is back to his default cranky mood which would have relaxed you if you didn't have so many questions.

"Karkat, it is my business to know what happened. The marks on your wrists are concerning, tell me what happened." Your voice is authoritative and grounded. Karkat only got angrier, you forgot how trying to assert yourself never got you anywhere with him. "Drive the fucking car already or I'll fucking walk!" Karkat raised his voice and clenched his fists, a typical reaction, but you didn't want to make a fuss and did as he said. It's strange how when you demand something you end up complying Karkat's demands. You really are passive, aren't you?

When you start up the car, there's a dreadful question you need to ask. "Are you still living at home?" Home was what you called it, the place where you both grew up. But in actuality it's become just Dad's house, and temporarily Karkat's on and off living space. A place where you're nervous to go to again.

"Yeah." Karkat replied, slumping down in the passenger seat. When you hesitate to drive off, Karkat looks at you and understands your discomfort. "Just come in and talk to him, you're being a pussy for avoiding him all this time." Bringing up your father only frightened you further. "I can't do that! Do you know how embarrassing it was for me that night?! Of course it's only logical that I refrain from talking to him!" You're so frustrated and bury your head into your hands with a breathy groan. Just talking about it stressed you out.

"You really are a pussy, Kankri. I know how bad that night was, but I was the one who was staying with him that night. He regretted everything he said as soon as you left and I was kind of hoping you'd fucking call because Dad sure as hell wasn't gonna do it 'cause he felt like a huge asshole." Karkat hammers each word into your brain and you take it all in at once. You want to believe what he's saying but your conscience won't let you forget how you felt that night. You know you should be relieved but you're too fearful of confrontation.

"I'll just drop you off then leave, okay?" You try to sound confident as you begin driving out of the parking lot. Your brother gives an exasperated sigh next to you and doesn't argue any further.

The rest of the drive is silent. You aren't surprised anymore by your brother's quietness since he has been oddly out of character today from the past events- which you're still very curious about.

When you're already driving down the road to your father's house, the butterflies in your stomach multiply. Your mind is telling you to calm down, everything should go smoothly, especially reassured after what Karkat told you. But unfortunately when your nerves begin to unravel, it's hard to shake them off.

"Alright." When your car pulls up to the front of your house, you straighten yourself out trying to assure yourself that everything is okay. You shouldn't be nervous, just drop off Karkat then get on your way.

On your way to Kurloz' place right? You don't think you should, though. You feel invasive if you just walk in after seeing him today. Something happened and as much as you want to know about what happened, asking him would be rather insensitive and rude. Triggering even. Karkat obviously doesn't feel like talking, but you'd rather get it out of your brother than Kurloz.

The car is parked and Karkat is looking at your tense form. "We both know you want this. Now are you going to come settle this or drop me off and go back to Cronus?" Karkat sounds snide, he knows your answer. But what he doesn't know is that the person you confessed to be dating just a few days ago, is not someone you want anything to do with.

"I'll have you know, me and Cronus have separated. Together or not, I find it very spiteful for you to belittle-" As fast as you spoke, Karkat interrupts you quickly. "I don't care about that now, just come with me." He doesn't look too happy, irritated with your usual haughty way of correcting people.

You hop off your high horse and take this opportunity. "If I do, will you tell me what happened?" You're prepared for him to decline you with an angry response, but you're surprised with his answer, "Yeah sure whatever! Just come on." Karkat quickly opened the car door and stepped out, you followed suit.

Walking up to the front door, Karkat kneels down to pick up a key under the worn out 'welcome' mat and unlocked the front door. You're greeted by warmth and the sound of running water.

"Oh Karkat, I thought you were staying over your friend's house!" You heard your father's voice from the kitchen as you walked in and closed the door behind you.

"Yeah, well I'm back. Kankri's with me too." Karkat said nonchalantly as he took off his shoes and strode into the living room, leaving this between you and your father.

"Kan's back?!" Your father rushes out of the kitchen, a rag in his hands, drying them off. You stand there giving him an awkward smile- usually a comical sight to see. Your father smiles from ear to ear and walks up to you, wrapping his long arms around you, holding you tight.

"I'm sorry for what I did." Your father held your head in his hands and kissed your forehead. He never failed to make you feel so loved, like you're the center of his world.

You smile wide and hug him back, resting your head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for not calling." Your voice is quiet and breathy, everything is fine now. The warmth your father radiates is contagious and you've never been so comfortable anywhere other than in his arms.

"You know I love you Kanny?" You look up at him and there's not a single doubtful bone in your body. It goes unsaid that you and Karkat were your father's world, it was ridiculous of you for making such a big deal the other day. So much has happened since then, so much stress and hurt but it's all melted away.

"Of course, Dad. I love you too." You can't stop smiling and laugh as he ruffles your hair, his chest vibrates as he chuckles. "I don't know what I'd do without you in my life." He holds on to you a little tighter. "You can tell me whatever you want, I was foolish for making such a big deal over something so harmless. You mean the world to me." You could listen to him all day, his voice is the softest smoothest thing you've ever heard. Music to your ears.

"I'm glad you two are reunited, but your gushy display of affection is truly something I can go without hearing or seeing ever again." Karkat calls from the living room and your father let go of you after placing another kiss on your four head.

"Make yourself at home, I only hope you can stay longer this time." He smiles at you and you walk into the living room where Karkat is sitting on the couch, focusing gravely on his phone despite the television being on. You take a seat on the love seat next to him and lean over to look at his phone.

"What are you doing?" The closeness of your voice causes Karkat to jerk his head to find you sneaking a peak at his phone. "Fuck off, fuck ass!" Karkat attempts to push you back but you're evading his grasps, leaning to the side. "Language!" Your father warns from the kitchen.

You were probably triggering your brother right now, but he's triggered by everything you learned, also he's your brother for crying out loud, so you have no reason to hold yourself back around him. You annoy him for fun even, it was amusing getting on someone's nerves for once. Karkat on the other hand takes pleasure in mocking you whenever necessary. It works 90% of the time and he always gets a kick out of your reaction. He's attempting to hide his phone screen by hiding it against his chest, failing at pushing you back by your shoulders.

"Maybe I'll stop if you tell me what happened today." You smirk at him and he huffs, pulling his arm away and you had to stop yourself from falling forward from lack of support. You sit back into the love seat and lean on the armrest. Karkat's quiet, looking at his phone, trying to ignore you.

"Should I tell dad where you were today?" You threaten him until he coughs up the info, which seams to work as Karkat's eyes shoot up to look at you.

"That's not necessary. What IS necessary, however, is that you understand that what happened isn't just a light hearted accident I got myself into." You raise an eyebrow at this, but nodded in understanding.

Karkat took a moment to ponder somethings before continuing. "My friend, Gamzee, he's not okay." He seemed to struggle with finding the right words to say. You stay quiet as he thinks of what to say next. "He's dealt with a lot of shit and it just got to him." Karkat's looking down at his lap, reminiscent. "He was doing just fine but, shit..." Karkat rubs his eyes as if trying to clear his thoughts. He suddenly looks at you, serious and conflicted. "I don't know how much trouble he can get for doing this, so please just keep this between you and me. I kind of want to get this off my chest too." You're completely focused in on him and what he's saying, this must be serious.

"It will be just between us, I promise." You're keeping your word, having Karkat's trust is not something to take advantage of.

He looks back down at his lap and takes a deep breath. He's grimacing and you wonder what is going through his head right now.

"So I've been staying over his place for a while. It's a pretty decent apartment, he's well off surprisingly." He starts off with the beginning, preparing to get to the point.

"He has two bedrooms, I thought I should be in the second one, but he insisted I sleep with him in his room." He's now beginning to sound a little shaky but he takes a deep breath. "Everything was fine, but I kept hearing a noise from the other room. Gamzee was out at the time, so I thought I could just take a peak at what was in the other room." Despite him trying to calm down, he just broke down, he wasn't crying, just overwhelmed and shaking. The look on his face was what worried you most, he looked afraid.

"There were so many boxes, I can't even count how many animals I saw, they were all dead and cut up, most of them were in bags and it was just so scary. It was unbelievable." He held his head in his hands. "You think you'd know your best fucking friend like the back of your hand after knowing him for 17 fucking years, but then I see this shit and I just don't know what the fuck is wrong with him." You're shocked and left speechless after taking it all in. This is not what you expected to hear, something bad, yes, but this was more than that. You couldn't see this coming from a mile away, you're dumbfounded to say the least. You were frightened just as much as Karkat after hearing this.

"When he came back, I asked him what was up with that fucking room and he got so mad, I've never seen him that angry before. He's never angry." Karkat then lifts his wrists to show the bruises on them. "That's how this happened." They then fall to his lap. "He was about to do something to me, choke me or something, I don't know, but I fucking yelled at him to stop. He was so fucking aggressive and it scared me. I just hugged him and told him to calm down and that's when he just fucking cried." Karkat didn't hold back any details, it was like a confession he was getting off his conscience. He had to take in a deep breath for what he had to say next.

"He just cried and told me everything. It's all so fucked up, so much he told me. What's really fucking annoying though, is that some idiot in the place next door called the cops." He calmed down after that and slumps his shoulders, leaning back in the couch. You're too deep in this conversation and hearing this only now caught your attention. "What did he tell you?" Despite how tired Karkat looks after telling you everything, you just had to ask. This was Kurloz' brother he's talking about and the fact that you know him only peaks your curiosity.

"Fuck, Kankri, there's so much. He just told me a bunch of bad shit that happened in his childhood. I know we've been through hell losing Mom and all, but fuck... He's been through that too. His Dad's done so much shit, his brother isn't any fucking better either." As he continued, he only got angrier. Now you had to interject, this is where Kurloz comes into the picture.

"His brother, Kurloz?" You ask to make sure you were both on the same page. Karkat looks from his lap up to you. He nods, "Yeah, that's his name. You know the guy?" This time Karkat wanted to hear what you had to say, which you had to think of before replying.

"Yes I do. I've been talking to him recently- well, communicating really not talking." You correct yourself and Karkat looks confused. "What do you mean?" He asks and you quickly respond. "Not talking, just communicating over the phone. Well, in person, since he doesn't talk." Karkat shakes his head. "Hold on, what do you mean he doesn't talk?" He looks at you with a frustrated and confused look and you wonder how else you can explain this.

"He's mute, I've never heard him talk since I first met him." You explain to Karkat who's face contorted to that of frustration.

"Yeah he fucking talks, I don't know what the fuck you're going on about. In the hospital he had to come in and talk to Gamzee- I told them not to leave him alone with him, so I heard him with the door open. He was being a fucking prick, yelling at Gamzee and shit. Then you came and the idiot nurse left them both alone then suddenly Gamzee's all quiet and calm." Karkat's getting angrier by the second and it's your turn to be confused.

"Kurloz never talked, not even once." You were about to say you couldn't believe that, but you shut yourself up, remembering what Porrim said. This only gives you more of an opportunity getting into Kurloz' past and getting further into what Porrim was talking about.

"He's manipulative so I'd stay away from him if I were you." You nod your head, but refuse to tell him that you were staying in Kurloz' apartment for heaven's sake. This is going to be real bad. Now you know that isn't something you should tell anyone. You want more information, there appears to be so much more to know than you'd initially thought.

"What did Gamzee say he is like? He's in a lot of my classes, he seems like such a nice person." You refrain from mentioning any close relationship with Kurloz, you think this is a good excuse.

Karkat huffed, "There's a lot to say. He's an abusive asshole, just like his dad, Gamzee shouldn't have been forced to stay in that house." Karkat has a disgusted look on his face, the words coming off his tongue is like poison.

"What did he do?" You are practically on the edge of your seat and Karkat glared at you. "You're being extremely nosey, what's it to you?" You blanched feeling like you were caught red handed. "I just- um... Me and Kurloz are like- friends, you see." You sound nervous as you're trying to say the right thing.

Your brother gave a sarcastic laugh and looked discontent. "You're an idiot if you think you're friends, he's manipulative. He's probably using you." Karkat returned to his phone with a snide smirk at your stupidity.

You're frustrated and stubborn. You're not an idiot, you're not so dumb that you'd allow yourself to be manipulated so what Karkat said bothered you quite a bit.

You don't want to argue your point, you just want to prove he's wrong. Not to to his face, but to yourself. Prove that your judgement isn't as skewered as Karkat and Porrim think.

You sit back in your seat thinking things over, putting one and two together. What Karkat told you is definitely tied to what Porrim said. From what you've been told, Kurloz is not as quiet and passive as he appears to be. But misunderstandings happen, you'd rather find out first hand from him than misunderstanding his character. You prefer seeing things first hand for a lot of things. Nothing is proven until you experience or see it first hand.

You're staring at the television, mulling over Karkat and Porrim's words when your phone buzzed in your pocket. You pick it up, looking at the screen. Its Kurloz.

'I won't be home for a day or two'

The message was short and lacking in detail, you were about to respond but he messaged again,

'You can stay as long as you like until I get back'

That was nice of him to inform you of his leave. It's even nicer that he trusted you enough to be alone in his apartment. You smile to yourself as you reply back.

'Thank you. Where are you going?'

You send the message and with a once over the message, you grimace at how nosey you sounded. You possibly could have triggered him. Today you've been very neglectful towards your friends' well being and triggers. Looks like all of this stress has gone to your head. Hopefully you can alleviate it with your home atmosphere.

When Kurloz replies back, you're relieved at his response.

'To visit family'

This message was short like the others. Maybe he's in a rush or something. The least you'd want to do is distract him or be annoying. So you quickly replied to not keep him waiting.

'Okay, have fun!'

His reply was just as fast and unsurprisingly, short.

'Thanks'

You're wondering just what he's doing, especially after what happened with his brother. Was he okay? What's going to happen to his brother? You'd kill to ask him all of these questions, but for once today you take into consideration how triggering it could be for him.

All you can do is wait a few days to see him again and find out yourself if what Karkat and Porrim said has any truth to it. You hope not.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a glimpse of the Makara family and Kurloz' confused little head. And Gamzee's the only sane one in this family, which says a lot.

You've honestly had enough with Gamzee continuously fucking things up. Not just for you, but in general. He's impulsive, unpredictable and sporadic, an overall inconvenience.

You always have to keep an eye out for him since your Father depended on you to keep him in place and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Both you and your father know Gamzee's a handful to deal with, but you didn't know he could get this bad. You thought you could trust him, but he has proven you wrong.

When you had to make the call to your father, that's when Gamzee knew he really fucked up this time. You felt a little guilty seeing how he's trembling on the couch with his head in his hands, he must be terrified. But he doesn't deserve any remorse at the moment.

You always deal with him yourself whenever he goes through withdrawals. You always get him the quickest bottle of GHB and spice from your father before he has the time to royally fuck anything up. You didn't even know his withdrawal could get this bad, he'd never done anything like this before. Just goes to show people shouldn't get high off of their own supply.

Your father didn't sound pleased in the slightest. Knowing him, his punishments are unpredictable. He'd never dare hurt you or Gamzee directly, not physically at least. His twisted mind always found some way to mess with you and your brother in different degrees of fucked up depending on how badly you two fucked up.

And Gamzee really did fuck up this time. Gamzee had every reason to be there shaking on the couch. You yourself weren't looking too forward to what punishment your Father has in mind for him. It could be anything really, you just don't know what it could be without hurting anyone. It's really unsettling to think about so you just focus on right now.

You turn to Gamzee and look down at his messy black hair, his face is buried in his arms. "We're getting picked up soon." You tell him. Your voice is low and stern. You're assertive but not intimidating. Intimidation is not your thing, especially not to your little brother. That is your father's job. However, for others, you're naturally intimidating, as is Gamzee. It must be a Makara thing.

You believe your father raised you well like this. But he has his flaws, everyone has there perks and shortcomings. You can say the same for you... He's just a terrible father all together. Actually no, he isn't really terrible. He's a fair man. Yes, he's great actually, not terrible at all, how could you say that?

You see Gamzee tremble and burry his head deeper into his arms. With his lack of a response, you speak up. "Is there anything else you told your friend?" You're glaring down at him and although he can't see, he can just feel your burning gaze on him.

Gamzee's voice is muffled in his sleeves. "Yeah." You're not surprised, but you sighed none the less. He managed to fuck up even more, and as angry as you should be with him, he's just in such deep shit you're sorry for him. You give him kudos for owning up to everything. Especially since his punishment you both know is going to be absolutely unpredictable.

"What else did you say?" You attempt to sound soft and not threatening but it just sounds awkward coming from you. Gamzee lifted his head and is instead resting his head on his arms that are wrapped sound his knees. His facepaint is a mess, the Grey and white blurring together. "I showed him my other room." He looks to the side, not wanting to meet your gaze even though you aren't glaring anymore.

"What's in it?" You're afraid of what the answer might be. Is it just where he stores his GHB? Or what? It sounded like a confession from Gamzee so this must not be good. You're hoping it's nothing that could add to his punishment.

Gamzee squirms under your gaze, trying not to cover his face in his sleeves again. You notice how hesitant he is and raise your eyebrow at him. "What is it?" You repeat yourself and Gamzee keeps quiet for a few more seconds.

"I kill animals." He muttered. He didn't know what else to say so he just got straight to the point. Which was very... Strange.

You're quiet for a moment, taking in this situation. "What's in the room?" Now you ask this warily, you think you have an idea of what this room is for, but a part of you is doubtful. Why would Gamzee do that? It's just downright weird, it's unlike him.

Gamzee stays silent this time and turns his head to the side in shame. That answers your question.

You're silent as well and you ponder over the situation. This is not helping his case at all. You'd much rather him store his drugs in there than cat carcasses, or whatever animals he has in there.

This was a lot to take in, it's been a stressful day so far. You don't think you're prepared to face your father after all of this either. Right now you're rubbing your temples, exhausted. "Just clean it all out. Be quick, our ride will be here soon." Gamzee begrudgingly stands up and grabs some garbage bags from the cupboard and walks towards the room albeit looking everything but enthusiastic.

You take your seat on the couch where Gamzee was and take out your phone. Kankri must be confused or worried after meeting today at the hospital. You hope he didn't hear anything. That kid after all must be his brother. You didn't have a good look at the kid but when you did he was a splitting image of Kankri, albeit tanner and angry. It was appropriate for the situation, but his face just looked like it was made to be constantly frowning. Must be a miserable kind of kid.

You turn on your phone to text Kankri while you hear the shuffling of bags in the room, you'd rather distract yourself from the business your brother's taking care of.

'I won't be home for a day or two'  
Quickly you added,  
'You can stay as long as you like until I get back'

 

You didn't know if he really has any other place to stay, so you'd gladly let him reside at your place for as long as he wants. It was good company after all. Kept you busy and distracted. He made you feel calm.

'Thank you. Where are you going?'

Your brother walks out the front door with a garbage bag behind him and you release a sigh. You're glad that's been taken care of, therefore there's no need to mention that to your father. You turn back to your phone and text back.

'To visit family'

After you hit send you wonder if it was a good idea to tell him that. You shouldn't have told him that, you should've made something up, he didn't have to know about what you're doing. Maybe you're just being paranoid, it's not a big deal.

'Okay. Have fun!'

He seems rather enthusiastic after the confusing encounter at the hospital, but you're thankful he doesn't ask any questions. Just then Gamzee entered the apartment again.

"Our ride's outside." You nod and turn back to your phone and bid a short farewell to Kankri and stand up.

You and Gamzee walk out of the apartment complex and see the car waiting in front. It has an impressive shiny coat of black paint and tinted windows. Definitely an expensive car, your father could afford many more.

Inside is one of the small amount of servants from your house. "Hello boys." He greeted and you give a small wave of your hand as you make your way into the backseat with Gamzee. Your brother isn't as enthusiastic, literally on his way for one hell of a punishment just a few towns away.

The drive must've been an hour long but felt less than 30 minutes. It's been a long time since you last visited home. You're excited to see your father again, but you're tense and gripping at your pants as you pull up to your three story home. It's practically a mansion but you don't like to call it that because compared to the other houses in your neighborhood, yours is the smallest. The Peixes and Ampora estates are palaces if yours is a mansion.

The servant driving the car steps out and opens the door for you and Gamzee to step out. You notice the landscaping has changed. There's ivy growing in the sides about a story high, spread around like veins. It's charming but you realize it's been spreading for years, it wasn't this bad the last time you were here.

No one was here to cut it.

Those thoughts are flooding in again. You clench your fists and try to focus on something else.

The servant opens the French doors for you and Gamzee to step inside. You're greeted by warmth but that doesn't stop the chills running down your spine. You feel a rush, let it be excitement or anxiety it is a rush none the less.

"Mr. Makara is in the den." The servant informed you and you nod your head a silent thanks and lead Gamzee down the corridor. The flood of excitement or anxiety is building up as you walk down the hall with Gamzee. The double doors to the den are open and you approach it. When you take your first steps in with Gamzee you see your father lounging on one of the leather sofas, cigar in hand. Or at least, something with the paper of a cigar. His facepaint is as sharp and menacing as ever. He never goes without it. If you see him without it, its probably not the best idea to stick around.

He smiles wickedly. It's a familiar smile, comforting to you but is seen so differently by anyone else.

"Close the door behind you Gamzee." He commanded and Gamzee did as told. He kept a straight face and you can't decipher what it is he's thinking. His eyes are fixed to the love seat to his left. However you quickly avert your eyes back to your father who's smile is still in place, his teeth on display.

"It's nice to see you again boys." His deep voice is like music to your ears and you would smile if he hadn't had his eyes on Gamzee the whole time.

Gamzee stays silent as do you. You're looking at Gamzee from the corner of your eyes.

"Now why don't you tell me what happened today." Your father asked looking at Gamzee. His tone calm and relaxed, you have no idea what his motives could be.

Your brother is quiet and you open your mouth to explain for him, but your father puts a finger to his lips, quieting you. "I want Gamzee to tell me. Come on out with it." He coaxed Gamzee, his smile still apparent and his eyes lidded. He takes a hit of that cigar wrapped blunt and exhales the smoke through his nose. "Go ahead, boy."

Gamzee remains quiet beside you and you're screaming internally for him to explain himself already. Why is he being so defiant? He needs to own up and accept his punishment. It's silent until Gamzee finally opens his mouth.

"I told someone." He mutters, eyes looking down to the ground. You know your father is going to drag this out for as long as he can. A part of the punishment.

"Hm? What did you tell them?" Your father raised an eyebrow with a condescending smirk. His pursed lips look almost friendly coming from his usual intimidating look. But you knew this was torture for Gamzee. You look between him and your father. You're standing right beside him, you want so badly to shake him and tell him to just come out with it already and get this over with.

Again Gamzee is silent for a moment before answering. "I told them what you did." Again he mutters the words, afraid to meet his father's gaze. Your father actually smiled wide at this.

"Why'd you do that, Gamz?" He doesn't sound intimidating or condescending, just a simple question with a disappointed undertone to it. You notice Gamzee tense.

"I wasn't thinkin' right." Gamzee admits this faster than before. "I was mad for not having anymore shots and my f-roommate, asked me what was wrong and I just said everything." He's glaring at the ground, clenching his fists. He finally came out with it and he should feel a sense of relief but he's tense.

"Damn, that's such a fuckin' shame, Gamz." He sounds truly disappointed at Gamzee and you frowned at that. It isn't directed towards you but just hearing it brought chills down your spine.

Gamzee grimaced and his fists clench harder. "Sorry." It doesn't sound genuine which you know is a big mistake. Your father is quiet for a few seconds, puffing on the cigar wrapped blunt in his fingers.

"It would be a shame if that information got into unwanted ears, don't you think?" Your father is serious now and Gamzee is still looking down at the ground. He looks like he's contemplating something or thinking of something to say, then his eyes dart up to meet your father's. There's an unspoken transaction of words and you're confused. This time your father's frowning.

"You know how to fix this shit." He's staring at Gamzee, voice hard and low. You know shit just got real. Especially after Gamzee raised his voice.

"I'm not doing shit! You can't make me!" You whip your head around to stare at Gamzee in disbelief. Neither of you ever raised your voice to your father and here was Gamzee doing it in the worst possible situation. This is his chance to just stay docile and take whatever punishment is coming his way, not to yell and make things even worse.

"Kurloz." Your father turned to you and you're half startled by his sudden change of attention. You straighten out, listening.

"You take care of this." Your father is leaning his arm on the armrest, blunt shortened considerably from the multiple hits he took during the conversation. He doesn't look angry, just unimpressed and disappointed.

You're a little confused at this, you didn't get what he was getting at. "He's not going to do shit either! You're seriously asking your own fuckin kid-"

"GAMZEE." Your father raised his voice and it is like a deep cut in the atmosphere bleeding out a menacing aura. You then think you understand what he's asking you to so, Gamzee is right, is he really asking you to do this?

"I-I don't.." You try to say something but your father glares at you. He looks so threatening and you just freeze under that look. "Either of you do it or there will be hell to pay. For every fuckin person that catches wind of this is just another cut into that little shit you told everything to. Or should I do things my way?" Now this is a direct threat that raises the hairs on the back of your neck. You can't refuse, it's easier to just take care of it before it escalates to something even worse.

"Yes sir." You respond with a low voice only above a whisper. Gamzee stares at you with wide eyes. "You're not serious!" Gamzee yells and you give him a look telling him to just shut up.

"I'll expect nothing but the best from you, motherfucker." Your father addresses you. There is a lock to a weight on your shoulders when he puts his faith in you to carry something out for him. He has your word. You smile at him from the term of endearment- at least to him. His nod and upturn of his lips only solidifies your resolve.

"Now run along boys." He waves a hand dismissively then returns it to his lips taking another puff of his cigar.

You lead Gamzee out of the den, tugging at his sleeve and he begrudgingly follows, closing the doors behind you. He follows you as you walk down the corridor and puts his hand on your shoulder. You look down at him expectantly. You're a good 3 inches taller than him, though it's hard to tell with his big mess of hair.

"You're not gonna do this, right?" He gives you a questioning look, he's wondering what you're thinking but you stay quiet and shrug his hand of your shoulder and continue down the hall. You know he'd not like your answer so you stay quiet. There's been enough talking for today. Silence was never a thing Gamzee was accustomed to, that has been made evident now.

You walk up the stairs heading towards your bedroom, but a maid passes by. You stare at her as you walk past her and she drops eye contact, nervous and quickens her steps in the opposite direction. She has eyeliner on. And green eyes.

So what, whatever. You continue on down the hall passing the few rooms and making your way into yours. You're at the door, looking into the room of your childhood. You haven't been here in years, your only reasons for coming home are for basic emergencies only, or that one time Meulin came over for dinner. Your room's exactly how you left it that day when Meulin came over.  
Pillows ripped to shreds on the ground, holes in the wall, and one of the doors of your closet was pulled off its hinges the other is hanging off on one hinge.

Sickeningly, you feel somewhat comfortable being back. The occasional ray of sunlight shown through every hole in the curtains was enough light for you. You remember that night as clear as day. Even if you didn't want to. Even if the very memory makes you want to crawl under the sheets and pull the blanket over your head like you did as a child.

You look around the room one more time. The claw marks on the walls next to your bed you remember from childhood. There were so many that it basically looks like a gathering of bigger lines, but when looked at closely you can see the hundreds of small marks that grew into so much more.

Today's been stressful, the stress of being back home was... As Kankri might say 'triggering'. If that meant it made you feel unpleasant, then that's what you mean. Your father is probably the only reason you like it here.

You crawl under the blanket and pull it over your head, curling up into a ball. You'll at least pass the time if you sleep and for once you feel like a child again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for not updating in like, two weeks? I've had to go to a wake of someone very close to me and dealing with the death of them has taken me by surprise and really put me down. But I'm trying to collect myself and to look on the bright side and im feeling really good, good enough to write so I hope you like this chapter and prepare for my uploading schedule to return back to normal.

You're woken up by a ray of sunlight right in your face. Tossing and turning before slowly sitting up. You can see the dust particles floating from the rays of sunlight cutting through the darkness from the holes in your purple curtain.

As you blink and adjust your eyes you remember you're in your room. And you remember why you're in your room.

You don't want to think about last night right now, the memory in your sleepy mind is quite fuzzy and you'd like to keep it that way so early in the morning.

You stand up and open the completely butchered curtains and your room became ten times as brighter, giving you a view of the not so far away shore in your backyard. The sight is nostalgic and gives you a warm comforting feeling.

You walk over to the closet and look at what options you have. You haven't grown much since your last visit here, hell, you've been 6'4 since the end of puberty. You settle on a long sleeved black shirt and a black pair of pants and head to the connected bathroom, ignoring the hanging door off its hinges.

The warm water feels refreshing and the feeling of comfort being in such a familiar place gives you a rush of internal warmth and you're content.

Once you finish showering you step out to dry yourself off. You quickly dress into the clothes you brought from your closet and when you look up at the counter above the sink, you get a good look at yourself.

Your hair is wavy, the curls heavy with water and is weighed down to your shoulders. They'd spring back into place after air drying. You look into your black eyes and examine your bare face. Staring at your face, naked of the grey and white paint was surprisingly calming. You look like you did when you were younger, any growth is left unseen. Your cheekbones still protrude, your lips still thin and naturally upturned at the end.

The only thing that's obviously succumbed to change are your irises. You lean closer to the mirror to get a better look. Your eyes are wide as you stare back at them in the mirror. You search for anymore blue in them but come up empty handed. Your eyes are all black, your pupils almost unidentifiable in the sea of darkness. You see tints of the darkest of purple, but your eyes are probably playing tricks on you.

You lean back and quickly avert your gaze, turning to the drawer in the counter, digging through the random items within it and pull out your half empty containers of expensive paint. You notice the empty containers of the grey and white pastes scattered about the drawer before closing it and you look back to the mirror and begin your morning ritual of applying paint.

Coming out of the bathroom and back into your dark bedroom, you ruffle your hair once more with the damp towel then discard it onto the already messy floor. You're ready to go on with today, you know your father's going to want to talk to you about yesterday privately before you go on your way. You're kind of numb after yesterday. Yesterday was the brute of what you expected from your visit so you're unsurprisingly calm facing him right now.

When you exit your room and make your way down the stairs you can already hear your father's voice coming from the corridor. When you turn the corner you see him walking with Gamzee who's looking strangely calm. As furious as he should be, he looks simply irritated. At least he won't make things more difficult than they have to be.

"There's my motherfucker, c'mere, gotta talk to you." Your father addresses you and pats Gamzee on his shoulder, dismissing him. He walks past you, looking at you from the corner of his eye. He looks... Angry? His eyes betray his face. They're completely furious and you flinch, looking away and you walk to your father who ushers you into the den to have more privacy.

He closes the door behind you and you flop down on one of the leather love seats. You rest your head on one of your hands and watch him sit on the sofa. His large form making it look as if the leather luxurious piece of furniture is his throne. It might as well be, he frequents here more than any other room in this huge place.

"So mini-me, what do you got planned?" He addresses you with the little nickname you've had since childhood. His familiar and comforting tone has you oblivious from what ever bad news could be thrown at you.

"'Bout what?" Your voice is low and scratchy and as self conscious as you should be for talking at all, it all feels so natural with your father. Your shortening of words and quick sentences are the only thing you've changed from how you talked in the past. As much as you'd like to be yourself in front of your father, you can't help but hold back from speaking too much out of habit.

Your father chuckles and smirks at you. "What a forgetful motherfucker you are." You tilt your head just the slightest in confusion. Your tired haze has got your head in a bit of a fuzz and you open your eyes a little more, paying closer attention.

"What I'm talkin about, motherfucker, is how you're all up and gonna take care of this mess Gamzee made." You took in his words and your eyes widen in understanding. You remember the conversation yesterday and what you agreed to do. Shit, you don't know how to respond to that. You still couldn't believe what your fathers asked you to do. All you could do is nod your head slowly, your gaze averted to the floor.

There's a short silence between you two before your father speaks. "Don't look so nervous, motherfucker, this is nothing new to you." You dart your eyes up to him. You can't believe he just said that, that he's bringing this up. You quickly open your mouth to say something, but he interrupts you.

"Just use your hands, you're a natural at it." He speaks so calmly like this is a normal thing to talk about.

You grip your hair and look at the floor. You can't believe he's saying these things, he's never brought this up before, why is he using this against you right now?

"What's the matter motherfucker?" He's torturing you right now, you know it. He's just trying to get under your skin.

"That was different.." You murmur, your hands gripping your hair a little tighter. His short laugh manages to unnerve you even more. "Sure it was. More 'intimate', right?" He's mocking you now and you're barely shaking in your seat. He's got it all wrong, he's messing with you. "Your hands gotta be itchin' for something after she dumped your ass. Word gets around when you're a motherfucker like me." He ends the sentence sounding just the slightest more serious. Who're you kidding, of course this would happen. There's a reason you shut your mouth all the time.

"Okay!" You exclaim loudly, looking back up at him. "It'll happen! I'll do it, just stop!" Your voice is trembling and you bare your teeth and clench your fists, broken down from his mind games. He grins in contempt.

"Good. Preferably sometime today. If I don't hear about the murder of a Vantas kid by tomorrow, there'll be hell to pay." He never ceases to surprise you with all the things he throws at you. You shouldn't be surprised by the things he knows anymore, he's got too many connections for him not to know these things. You're fucked, you're a fucking liar. Lying to your father's face right now. You might as well let him handle this shit on his own because there's no way in hell you're ready for any of this.

You nod your head weakly and quickly you stand up and make your way to the door, he's watching you leave, you know it and you close the doors behind you.

You've got a lot to think about.


	9. Chapter 9

The ride back into town with Gamzee was unnerving to say the least. Too invested in your own thoughts, you didn't notice how your brother would occasionally look over to you, watching you shake your leg anxiously. He looks like he's got a lot on his mind as well, but unlike last time, you're the one who's terrified.

As you step out if the car with your brother in tow, there's no exchange of words with the driver, you're dropped off outside of Gamzee's apartment. As soon as the car pulled away, Gamzee grabbed your shoulder, spinning you around to look at him.

"How are we supposed to fix this?" He's as serious as ever, blue eyes boring into your own. He's read your thoughts, or maybe your body showed how conflicted you are.

You open your mouth to speak but no words came out. Instead you exhale and close your eyes, bringing your hand to your head. What are you going to do?

"Let's go." Gamzee lowered his grip to your arm and pulled you inside the building and to his floor. He unlocked the door and stepped inside. The morning light is flooding the room only accentuating the various articles on the floor. As soon as the door is closed behind you, he speaks.

"There's no motherfuckin' way you're killing a motherfucker." You can't tell if it's a statement or a threat. Either way, he's right. But you need to do this. You have to. It's your duty. Your father has put his trust in you and you have never let him down in the past, why would you now? He did just ask you the unthinkable though, but he expects you to go through with it because that's what you come off as, the kind of person that would kill in cold blood. Fuck, he's not wrong.

"Answer me!" Gamzee shook you by the shoulders, coming out of your thoughts, you scramble for words.

"I-I..." What are you going to say? Lie to Gamzee and yourself and say you're going to do it? Or be a coward and back down from your duty? Your pride is too fucking inflated for you to settle on what to say. Gamzee shoved you back by your shoulders and you take a step back, regaining your balance.

"If you're actually going to-"

"No! I'm not. I can't, but I have to.." By the end of the sentence, you sound defeated. Why do you keep reminding yourself that you HAVE to do this? You desperately don't want to do any of this but the fact that it's expected of you is what's tearing you apart. Gamzee is silent and glares at you for a moment. You must look absolutely pathetic right now.

"I'm not gonna do it, but if I don't, someone else will." You hate the sound of you voice right now, absolutely defeated and pathetic. You notice Gamzee suddenly relax.

"My friend's not gonna get hurt, I'm always around my bro." Gamzee says this with a less aggressive voice, in confidence and what you think, naïveté. You want to tell him how unlikely that is, you need to be realistic.

"That's not enough to stop him. Even if your friend is safe..." Shit. You're such a fucking idiot, there's more than one "Vantas kid", one of which you've become greatly invested in. Your stomach sinks and you can feel the worry consuming you completely. Shit, is Kankri going to be the target if you don't go through with this? Both him and his brother? There's no telling what your father has in store when you fail to do as asked. His efforts to take care of this his own way are going to take action tomorrow, and you're not sure if you're ready for that. How will you explain this to Kankri? Should you even tell him at all? He's so trusting of you but you've manage to fuck everything up, this all would've been so much easier if you just offed yourself earlier.

"What? Even if he's safe, then what? Then there's nothin' to motherfuckin' worry about. I'll stay with my bro and won't ever see that shitstain of a dad ever again. Problem solved." Gamzee sounds so damn oblivious to the real danger you've got yourselves in. He props himself down on the couch and is finally relaxed after what's happened, his mind clear from the fog.

"If he's got plans to all up and kill a motherfucker tomorrow, then I'll just keep my bro with me all day. I'll keep my eye on the motherfucker everyday." God dammit why is he so stupid? You heave a sigh in pure frustration, and turn to leave.

"You do that. Be careful." You look back at him, your hand on the doorknob. He give you a lazy nod of his head, taking the remote to turn the TV on and you turn away, out the door. You've got somewhat of a long walk ahead of you.

Kankri POV

"Right, right, I'll get on it. I'm not afraid anymore, I assure you. I'll get the books later." You stride from the kitchen into the living room and back again as you attempt to hold the phone between your shoulder and ear and ruffle your wet hair with a towel at the same time. You'd just gotten out of the shower a few minutes ago and are dressed to head out once again after returning from home with your small family.

"Alright, I don't doubt that you're not afraid to face him, I'm just worried he'll try what he did last time again. Kankri, I wish you would've told me sooner, I would've kicked his ass in the worst way possible. I can't believe him." You frown at the memory and slow your pace, the towel resting on your shoulder and you transfer the phone into your hand. You suddenly begin to doubt yourself once more. Your false confidence from before is melting away and the truth exposes itself.

You're terrified of facing him again after that. You aren't afraid of him personally... It's just.. The shame that's brought to you every time he invades your thoughts are just going to come tenfold if you see him in person. Although you did message him to put your books in the mailbox, there's a possibility he could very well be there waiting for you. You don't know if you're ready for that, you've been feeling a lot better after reconciling with your father, you don't want this progress to go down the drain.

"Kankri?" The voice over the phone brings you back from your thoughts. "Oh, uhh..." Your forget what you were talking about. "Sorry if I triggered anything..." She quickly apologized and you straighten up. "No worries! I was just-" the sound of the front door opening and closing catches your attention and you turn around to see Kurloz at the front door.

"Hey! Uh- Porrim I have to go now. I'll tell you how everything goes when I retrieve my books, okay?" You quickly bid farewell to your best friend who gave a simple "Alright, bye." And hung up the phone.

"Hello, how are you? How was your visit?" Kurloz looks up at you after kicking off his boots at the entrance and gives you a little wave. He looks exhausted, like he hadn't gotten any sleep. You doubt he was tired from walking, he looks drained mentally. You suddenly regret your invasive and quick greeting.

"Oh, um, sorry- I'm too nosy, aren't I? Sorry if I triggered you, you just look tired." Kurloz quickly shook his head, raising his hand for you to settle down. He isn't signing to you like he usually would in a fast impulsive mess, urgent to get his point across, forgetting you were completely clueless until he brings out his phone. You feel concerned for him, but you're irritated at how incredibly annoying you feel right now.

"Sorry- I mean- sorry for talking so much! I'm, ugh.." There you go again not able to keep your mouth shut. You feel awkward and embarrassed, you need to just say something sensible all ready.

"I'm going out in a few minutes. I need to get something." You finally relax, getting across something that's not embarrassingly annoying. To your confusion, Kurloz reacts negatively to this. Your eyes widen when he opens his mouth to say something, but he quickly shuts it, bringing his hand up to his face in a frustrated matter.

"... What's wrong..?" You're very confused right now. He looks kind of conflicted at the moment, and irritated. He looks up to you and shakes his head no.

"You want me to stay here?" You ask, tilting your head, did you guess right? Why would he want you to stay, does he have something to tell you?

He nods his head yes and you suddenly feel a little embarrassed. "I was just going to get some books from Cronus'." You explain this to him but he immediately shook his head no harder than last time. He gives you an incredibly disapproving look.

"Why- I'll just be gone for a few minutes I promise." As you try and get your point across, Kurloz is shuffling through his pockets looking for his phone and quickly when he gets a hold of it, begins typing. He walks closer to you and hand you the phone.

'You said that last time.'

You cringe after reading the screen. Another reminder of what happened.

"Please don't remind me." You mutter in irritation and walk past him to the door, putting your boots on.

Kurloz POV

Kankri grabs his coat and buttons up to the top when you grab his arm.

"What is it?!" He growls in irritation turning abruptly to look at you. You're taken aback and he looks guilty for snapping at you.

You look very agitated at the ground, hand still gripping the sleeve of Kankri's coat. How are you going to explain this to him? What kind of excuse could you pull? You should've thought about this earlier.

"Kurloz... What's wrong?" Kankri's looking at you sympathetically, like he's got something in mind. As if he knows your situation and it just confuses you.

"My brother told me what happened, well, your brother told him, and then he told me." As he's talking your eyes go wide. "I... Uhm.. Just wanted to let you know that," Your eyes glared at him as he continued, " I know you've had a rough time growing up," who does he think he is? He doesn't know shit. "but... Kurloz?" You looked up to his eyes when you heard your name. What were you just doing?

"Can you lower you hands? It's kind of worrying me." You looked down at yourself, your hands were on his shoulders, they'd been slowly inching up, Kankri was hiding his neck with his lifted shoulders. "Sorry." You muttered quickly under your breath, retracting your arms.

You noticed how his eyes widened significantly and upon realization of what you just did, your own black eyes widened and you quickly turned around to leave, but he reached out and grabbed your arm to stop you.

"No, please don't go." The words rushed out of his mouth in one quick sentence. "Kurloz, please talk to me." You looked at his eyes that were still wide, his eyebrows furrowed and he looked overall very serious. You don't know what to say, you're speechless. The quiet is killing him as you look at him like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Please! There's so much! Everything my brother told me, everything Porrim told me, what did you do to her?!" He's thrown so much at you in a fit of words you'd rather not listen to. What is wrong with him?!

You glared at him and pull your arm out of his grasp and turn around to retreat to your room, but he quickly reaches out to stop you, latching onto your arm once more. "Answer me!" Kankri raises his voice in desperation and it's causing your head to throb and you only get angrier.

You jerk your arm forward and back again. Kankri lost his balanc when you push back at him with your arm and falls backwards to the ground. Without looking back you're walking towards your bedroom, caressing your face, feeling the headache coming on.

"Fine! If you're not even going to explain yourself then I guess everything they said is true!" Quickly you spun on your heels to glare at him.

"SHUT UP." You yell at him and walk through the bedroom door, slamming it closed, leaving Kankri on the floor, astounded.

What you didn't know was the immediate guilt that washed over him after your argument. You couldn't care less about him right now, you're shaking and would rather die then face the world outside your bedroom right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could have added more but hadn't updated in a while so I had to speed things up! I've got half of the next chapter down so that will be coming sooner hopefully. Also I forget if I mentioned this earlier but I've gone through a few usernames before coming to a conclusion and picking the name puffynook so here I am! Apologies for being late!


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